How Deception Became a Part of My Walk with God

I was raised Catholic by my family, but truthfully I knew nothing about God. On my mother's side my uncle was a Catholic priest. One of her sisters was a nun and so was her aunt. Yet somehow in this family who was very "devout" and spiritual, I did not understand how Jesus and God fit together in the equation. As I got older, I didn't want anything to do with it. I avoided all things of God and did not talk about Him at all. If someone brought up their faith I was extremely uncomfortable and usually changed the topic.

The first non-Catholic minister I ever saw preach was Dan Mohler in 2012. Some people would be absolutely amazed because they respect this man of God, but for me it meant nothing. We made the journey to this unknown church. We got there and I wasn't used to this kind of service at all. The music was too loud and it sent my body into a sensory overload fit. My heart rate was ridiculously high just sitting there due to my health problems.

Finally he started to preach. He sure was lively and happy, but I had no idea what Pastor Dan was talking about. It was so far above my level of understanding of God that I basically gave up trying to listen to him. Sad but true!! At the end of the meeting I made my way up to the front to get prayer and a woman came up to pray for me. I thanked her. Then my husband came back over to me and he said, "I want to get baptized".

That night I was confused by the message. I knew nothing about Jesus. I did not know what He did for me at all and yet somehow I got baptized. I can blame my husband for that! haha I was baptised at Harvest Chapel on June 16, 2012.

About a month later I had an impression to quit all of the health stuff. It felt forceful and painful to me at the time because all I had ever known was doctors, science, researching supplements, genetic stuff and chronic illness FB groups and forums.

That was when my real journey began. That is when I started watching videos and reading about healing theology. This was the most dangerous time for me because I had no foundation whatsoever and yet I was like a dry sponge ready to soak up anything I could find.

Today plenty of teachers focus solely on the "Finished work" and the Book of Acts. They say healing is always flowing and always right now and they have plenty of scriptures to promote this idea. Well as someone who was sick for 12 years at that point, I fell for it. I wanted healed now. I wanted healed today. I wanted MY life back now. Hook, line and sinker, I wanted it!

Since I came in by way of Dan Mohler and Todd White, I immediately gravitated towards these ministries and those who preached a similar message. I was feeding on their teachings and thought I was growing in faith. I was able to repeat what they said and it all sounded really good! But honestly beneath the surface, I had nothing...

I went down this path for months. I got prayer from anyone who came to the general area. I believed! I wanted healed! I was told by another minister that "God wants you healed more than you do!"... YES Sign me up!

But then nothing was changing and I started to question things. This is when I realized that there was more to this than what these guys were preaching. I started noticing a general disdain for the sick in the Church despite so many ministries focusing on healing.

I finally learned that although Jesus is a healer and "paid the price", that God also wanted to do a work in me. I didn't really know what that meant at the time. However I was told repeatedly in these circles that was not true. Many people will neatly try to separate suffering, tribulation and trials away from sickness. They may agree that a trial can be a car accident or a loss of a job, but could NEVER be sickness. Sickness is MUCH scarier to think of as a trial because it's out of our control. We can't just snap our fingers and make it ok overnight.

At that time, I agreed that sickness was not a trial because I certainly did not want to be sick anymore. Trials are for other people, not for me.

I was repeatedly told that God's work in me was "already done" in Christ and that we no longer have to go through periods like that. I was repeatedly told that we are already perfect and our healing has already happened in the Spirit because of what Jesus has done on the Cross. I was also told that, as far as God is concerned, "you are already healed".

That sounds great and easy, but it made me confused, frustrated and eventually angry as life got harder physically, emotionally and financially. My life is an absolutely disaster. haha

I was repeatedly told "You're already healed" meeting after meeting after meeting. I was tired of hearing it! I was tired of the talk.

Others said that I needed to find someone who could "represent Jesus to me in the way I needed" and once I did that, then I would be healed.

Unknowingly this caused me to chase MEN instead of Jesus Christ.

Looking back now for a long time I was fighting not against the devil, but against God wanting to do something much larger in my heart and in my life.

There is a deception in the church that says everything is already done. Some call it hyper-grace, some call it greasy grace, I personally believe it's an exaggeration of the Finished Work of the Cross. Those who believe in this message claim everything is already completed and done.

Am I saying that Jesus needs to come back and die on the cross again? NO
Am I saying that Jesus did not accomplish what He came to do? NO
Am I saying that I am justified by my works? NO!
Am I saying that there aren't some truths in the "finished work"? NO there are some great truths!!

However what I am saying is that we need to be balanced with what the Finished Work truly accomplished and what we are expected to do now that we are in a relationship with Him.

Deception came into my walk with God because of the unbalanced healing theologies I was following.

Some say you do not need to sacrifice anything for God, Jesus sacrificed it all.
Some say you don't have to go through wilderness seasons, Jesus went through the wilderness.
Some say you have everything now, today. Healing is now, not tomorrow.
Some say if you think God heals in His timing, that is unbelief.
Some say there is no journey.
Some say you are already perfected (mature).
Some say you have all the spiritual gifts now.
Some say everything is now.

And it was these messages which made me nearly walk away from God.

It was these messages that had me walking around in despair because I thought I had missed it. I thought that God was mad at me for not saying my prayers with enough "faith". It was these messages which had me screaming at God in my head for an entire week. It was these messages that almost made me give up and tell God I was done with Him. It was these messages which made me question God's love for me.

And somehow in that pain and in that brokenness, I finally found God and finally found balance. God was finally able to build a strong foundation in me where I had to abandon everything I thought I knew.

In life bad stuff is going to happen and when someone is IN Christ, it does not mean bad things do not happen. In the Finished Work crowd, there tends to be an emphasis that trials won't come or will be immediately overcome to those who really believe "it is finished" or really "know who they are in Christ". This is deception and an imbalanced view of what Jesus accomplished. It leads those who have generally good lives to be exalted as better "sons of God" than those who are struggling with trials, sickness and other things. This is clearly not true.

God will use the trials and the bad things that happen to us for His Good. He will use them to test and purify our faith to make us a more mature Christian. Sometimes these obstacles if they are large enough, they can be used by God as a wilderness season before He decides to fulfill His promises.

But this idea completely goes against what many healing ministers teach.

The diet industry makes something like 60 BILLION dollars a year on diet pills and gimmicky exercise machines. This industry is fueled by people who want to lose weight, but don't want to do it "the hard way" and there is a captive audience too. A 60 billion dollar audience.

Well I fell for the spiritual equivalent of the diet pill. I wanted to be healed now, but I did not want it to be hard. I wanted it to be easy and not cost me anything. There is a very captive, desperate audience who will buy the books, watch the teachings and exalt teachers into leadership positions.

So in the diet industry we see, 
"Just take this pill and you will lose fat fast!".
"Just buy this abs machine and you will be ripped in no time".

In the exaggerated Finished Work healing ministries we see,
"It is finished. It is already done. Just receive what God already did, today".
"God wants you healed more than you do!"
"You have all dominion!"

And just like all of those people who want to lose weight easy, I did not want my spiritual walk with God to be tough. I didn't want to wait and have to walk through the fire to get what He had promised to me in Christ. I completely ignored the Old Testament and tried to somehow separate the God who wrote that with the God who wrote the New Testament.

So I collected for myself teachers who agreed that everything is now and is easy.
I followed the Todd Whites, the Dan Mohlers, the Curry Blakes, the Pete Cabreras, the Andrew Wommacks, the Art Thomases.

I repeated the mantras and chants. 
"I'm a daughter of God, I have all authority given unto me in Christ".
"By His stripes I WAS healed"
"Today is the day of salvation!"

Many of these things by themselves are biblical truths, but in the ways they are used become deception.

Desperation and persistence are bad words to the "Finished work" ministers. Everything is always about today and if you go to sleep sick, then YOU failed today. That is how these ministers preach it. They believe God's hands are tied and it is up to receive what "God has already done", so there is very little room for long term battles without condemnation setting in.

These distorted views of God are absolutely devastating to a person's walk with Him.
 
I was a baby Christian who knew nothing at all. I was a completely blank slate. I was a dry sponge ready to soak up anything I could find and in that was the problem. I did not soak up the pure living water of Jesus, but dirtied water along with the living water.

The underlying deception that I fell for actually prevents and stunts our maturity in Christ.

• It is lifting up immature believers in the Lord who are simply repeating catchphrases from other ministers.
• It is lifting up believers in the Lord who think everyone who is struggling "just don't know who they are in Christ".
• It is lifting up an army of narcissistic people who are in spiritual pride and have no grace whatsoever for people.

If I had been healed at the first meeting at Harvest Chapel, I would have been a horrible person. I would have been a complete arrogant, prideful monster. I would have been a prideful healed person who went around and abused those who were not healed. I would have thought that I "did it right"and that was why I got healed. I would have taken credit for my healing.

And God knew it and so I believe He delayed my healing in order to show me the condition of my heart. He delayed my healing to do a larger work in me that needed to be done, so He could use me later on. Instead of just wanting to be healed to move on with my life, now I want healed to do the work that God has called me to do. I gain my life to lose my life to be a servant of God.

These groups whether they realize it or not, but they have rejected the means that God our Father in heaven prepares us for leadership, for ministry and for a life that bears good fruit. When they say everything is now and today, they deny God's Sovereignty and the specific plans He has for each one of us.  They claim everything that Jesus did is past tense and now we have all authority and all dominion. They continually emphasize that Jesus was "just a man in right relationship with God who knew His identity" and that we are just like Him. They elevate the deity of man and diminish the divinity of Jesus Christ.

Let the Lord mature us in His time as we seek Him for healing, for life and for the promises He has made to all of us in Christ. Yes it does not always feel good, but just like having to lose weight the hard way, it can be a tough journey, one with ups and downs. However thankfully we are putting ourselves in the hands of a good God. We can trust in His ways and in His methods and in His timing.

And this is how I fell into deception and I praise God for His grace that He knew better and that He had a more perfect plan in store for my life.

Today I continue to believe God for a complete healing of everything in my life and now when that day comes, I will truly understand the magnitude of what God did in my life. I will understand the grace that He poured out on me and I will truly give all Glory to Him and not to my faith and not that I finally just believed "right". I will know that I did nothing to deserve healing and it is all God's grace.

Don't Deny Reality: Have Faith in God, Not Faith in Your Faith

I'll be starting off with a scripture out of Romans 4.

Romans 4:19-21

"Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah’s womb; yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform."

This single scripture found in Romans 4 tears down the popular healing theology which says you have to believe you are already healed in order to be healed. This scripture also tears down the teachings that say illnesses are just "lying symptoms" and if a person believed the symptoms were real, then that is why they got sick or remained sick. These commonly held beliefs on healing are unbiblical.

The deadness of Abraham and Sarah's body was very real. It was nothing that Abraham or Sarah did/said or thought that made their reproductive systems unable to produce a child. Sarah had always been infertile (Genesis 11:30) and on top of that, now she was an elderly woman past any capability of carrying a child. If all that Abraham and Sarah had to do was believe that they could conceive a child at their age in order to conceive a child, then we are actually reducing the miracle that God performed here and bringing New Age "power of the mind" into our churches. This is terribly wrong and offensive to God! As we read in the scripture above, "he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform."

Abraham's faith was correctly focused on God's ability to perform the miracle He had promised. This is where we should focus our faith as well.

We simply believe that *God* is the One able to perform the miracle. Our faith is in God. It is not faith in our faith and not faith in our ability to believe that we are "already" healed. Faith is not a denial of reality either. It's seeing the reality of what is going on in our body (or in our life) and despite that, still believing the promises from God. That's real biblical faith! That's good news because you don't have to become superstitious about your words. You can simply rest in your heart that no matter what happens or what comes your way, you are still looking to Jesus.

If you are in a multiple year battle or in a battle where your sickness is progressively getting worse (or  fatal), you have to be settled about this. Otherwise as you walk this journey with the Lord, your faith in God will get shipwrecked and you will begin to focus inward and condemn yourself for not "believing right" if things get worse. I've seen it time and time again with many friends and strangers online. They have been so confused by putting their faith in their faith, their words, their declarations and their "positive confession" that they aren't even looking to God anymore. We should simply keep our focus on Jesus and not on us.

If you are believing God for a healing, it's OK to see and feel the sickness in your body. However you should, just as Abraham, be careful not to allow it to waiver your faith in God or in God's power or ability to heal. Simply continue to stand on the promise of healing that God has made to you and know that HE is the One able to perform them, regardless of how impossible your situation looks in the natural. With Abraham and Sarah, their situation literally was impossible.

Consider in Genesis 18:14, when Sarah laughed at the thought of having a child at her age, what did God reply to Abraham? “14 Is anything too difficult for the Lord?...”That was a rhetorical question of course because we know that nothing is too difficult for the Lord.

Now unbelief occurs when a person doubts God's ability or power to heal their body. These are things we may have to face and wrestle at times in our walk with God. I think that's part of the growing process and maturing in the faith. As long as we don't call it quits and walk away from the faith, I think this is a healthy process that needs to be encouraged with care.

When Peter doubted as he walked on the water, Jesus didn't just let him drown. Jesus reached out and grabbed him during his weakest moment and brought him to safety. We can trust that God will do the same for us in our weakest moments. Sadly with the way some ministers teach doubt and unbelief, you would have thought Jesus just watched Peter drown! haha

This whole post might sound a bit semantical to some, but it is really important for those who are  believing God for the impossible. Understanding that our faith is in God's ability to perform what He has promised is KEY! It takes the burden off the sick person who has wrongly been told they must pretend they are already healed or have been told they are still sick because they believed "lying symptoms". Whether the church realizes it or not, but this actually destroys the relationship between the suffering person and God. It makes God into an impersonal force who will release healing only when you finally believe "just right". It's such an awful, destructive doctrine.

As a church, we need to have more compassion and understanding, so we can build people up and bring their focus onto God instead of towards themselves. 

True faith is not about how hard you muster up a feeling or try to believe, but instead it is about WHO you believe in. 

Updated: March 2016

Some Things God's Taught Me in this Season...Humility, Trust, Doctrine, Surrender, Charity

Humility. "a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness".
This is a big one and one of the hardest to learn and walk in...It requires us to be broken and challenged deeply. BUT and this is the important thing. We have to come out on the other side with a greater love, compassion and grace for others. Every one will go through hard times, but for some it causes the person to become hardened and prideful. You will see this typically as a "get over it" or a tough guy type attitude. However as Christians, God challenges us to grow in maturity by not reacting this way. When God brings us low, it is to impart grace, love and compassion for those who we once disregarded or thought were inferior to us for various reasons.

The specific areas where you hold pride and self-righteousness may be very different from mine. Here's some of the areas God had to bring me low...

• Dying to my political beliefs which I made my identity for a long time. Saying goodbye to Republicanism and everything that goes along with it. Letting go of my lack of compassion for people on welfare and disability that was masked as "political beliefs". Letting go the idea that I somehow "did things right" as a opposed to those who found themselves in bad situations.

When we found ourselves unable to feed ourselves, God told us to go on food stamps. We had to walk into the assistance office and to be seen with "those people". We began shopping at walmart on welfare day and saw everyone else there who were also on food stamps. Looking into their eyes and seeing they are just like me! Having to swipe the access card at the register, so everyone knows "they are on food stamps". God brought me low and took away the ego and pride that was inside of me. I used to think I was better than these people. I became one of them.

• Dying to my knowledge of natural health which I made my god. Saying goodbye to thinking that I was more enlightened because I "did things naturally" and was very self-righteous. God told me to quit all chronically ill, natural health groups and to remove myself from all discussions involving these things. I had to stop looking at natural ways to get well and to start looking to Jesus Christ as my healer. I had to stop thinking that I could fix myself with a diet, a supplement or some new health theory and had to come to realize that I needed God.

• Dying to thinking I was a better person because I ate a certain way or did not eat certain foods. For some it can be juicing, veganism, paleo, gluten free etc. I had to stop looking down on people who didn't eat organic or in the way I thought was "right". I had to come to a place where I was just happy that I had food to eat.

Trust in God. "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something " This is another hard one to learn. It required me to stretch myself to the point of total brokenness...The place where God called my husband and I to stand, it stretched me so much...so, so, so much. And because of where he called us, these are the things God has shown us in this season.

• Dying to the idea of there being spiritual formulas and spiritual laws one can "master" to make God heal, deliver and send provision etc. Trust and relationship with God is not found by saying a list of declarations and following a list of rituals. Trust is letting go of control in your own strength and allowing God to do what He wants to do. Trust is in God, not in our methods or words we speak. We have to learn to be patient and wait for Him, even when we don't want to or even when we don't believe this to be true. hahah!

• Dying to the idea of knowing how or when healing is going to happen. Tough one!! I believed I was going to be healed in 2013. Here we are coming to the end of 2014...

• Dying to the idea of really even understanding our walk at times! Trusting God can look like unbelief or laziness to others on the outside who haven't walked the same path. God may put us in a season that requires total trust without Him giving us much information to know where we are to walk or what is coming.

• Dying to the idea that I can make it happen... This is very hard. This one not many people agree with because of the way we teach healing and suffering in the church today. Repeating declarations and the general idea that  "if I just say the words exactly right and with enough belief then it will happen"...does not make it happen. Healing is a personal transaction between us and our Lord. It is not a mastering of a universal law or life force. We are not the New Age!

Learning to trust in the Lord is not something that can be imparted by a touch at a conference.  Be careful not to chase a particular healing minister or pastor instead of trusting God. Man will disappoint us every time.

Biblical Doctrine. This is another big one for me. Coming into this, I didn't think I could learn scripture on my own nor write on biblical topics. But God challenged me big time...With this challenge, He had me unfriend, unfollow and unlike just about every single ministry page and had me start over again from the ground up. God wanted to teach me Himself without having other voices tell me how to interpret scriptures or what I should believe instead of what is actually written in the bible.

This allowed God to show me a lot of things! This allowed God to correct me, discipline me and change what I believed. He gave me discernment! He showed me deceptions! He prophetically showed me where certain ministries were heading. It was like everything opened up to me and things became so clear in the Word.

It has been in this season, that God really built a foundation in me. He put a fire in my heart to preach the gospel and what he has shown me and to not hold back no matter how hard it might be and no matter who may stand against it. He put a commitment in me to do what he has called me to do. This part of my walk is honestly what keeps me going! Knowing that God has not put all of this in me for nothing. That he has a plan for me (and my husband!). And that He is going to make these things come to pass.

God is God. Sonship does not mean Godship. Sadly many today believe in the manifest Sons of God doctrine that deifies man. Even though God has given us authority in Jesus' name, God's will rules above ours and we should pick up our cross and follow Jesus. This does not mean that God does not love us nor does it mean God does not want good things for us. However I have had to come to a place of realizing that I am the clay and He is the potter. We follow Him and that's in the good and the bad. That's when He calls us to stand in stormy places and also when He calls us to stand in calm places. We should have a reverence for the Lord, His will and His word.

Charity. People have helped us so much in this season and I have been so very grateful and thankful. It has challenged me deeply with the way I will now bless others who are in need. I could have added this to the humility section, but I wanted to highlight it. Those who have given us money have never once questioned me how it was being used or where it was going. I'm not sure I would have done the same before this season. God has really changed my heart and put a desire in me to bless those in bad situations! We would not be here today if it weren't for people's generosity and charity! I want to be able to make that difference in someone elses life now.

Overcoming rejection. In this season, I have seen a lot of rejection and yet God was able to build confidence in me. As God started to teach me the Word, I began to become more confident in what He had taught me and I started to share with people online. Since I don't really leave my house often, this was the natural place for me to start. I started being outspoken on FB, YT and on my blog. Sometimes I got banned, blocked and unfriended. And yet God kept telling me to keep speaking and to open my mouth and say the things He has taught me.

I remember one time in particular, I was at a meeting and I felt very strongly to go and pray for this lady. I walked up to her and I said, "I feel the Lord wants me to pray for you. Would that be ok?" And the lady replied back to me, "No I don't want you to pray for me".  That was NOT what I was expecting considering it was a healing meeting and she let another lady pray for her, but to this day I think God set that one up for me. haha I think God tests us more than we imagine...

We have to be very careful that we don't let people's words hurt us to the point where we stop obeying God out of a fear of rejection. When we know that God has called us on a certain path, then we have to take confidence in it and start walking in it. We can't let the rejections stop us.

Sometimes though the path God has us on, will not always run parallel with others in our life. If they unfriend you, then you have to forgive wherever possible and just move on. I had to stop allowing disagreements cause me to start doubting and questioning God's call on my life. I almost walked away from what was in my heart because I was letting a fear of man get to me. We have to stand firm in the confidence of what God has spoken to us and then preach that knowing the potential costs.

These are just a few things I've learned so far in this season. There's so many more!!

The Times When it Hurts

Some times the only way to 'feel' God's love is by simply remembering what Jesus did for us on the cross. It isn't about a feeling. It isn't about a hope in your heart. Sometimes there really is no other feeling that verifies it, but remembering what the Word says. No comfort. No warmth. I hope that this changes when I'm out of the wilderness, but in this season God has never been "Daddy" to me as some like to call Him. He has in fact been very distant in times when I wanted Him close. And yet I do know He is here. He knows I'm writing this post, but He has chosen not to make Himself known. He has been very quiet in the toughest times when we had no way to pay for our mortgage. He has been very quiet when we were going to lose our car insurance. He has been very quiet when we were going to have our natural gas turned off and electricity turned off.

Then to be told that God has you here and is withholding on purpose, it's hard to understand. It's hard not to get mad at times. It's hard to continue to remember that God is good. Sometimes the lines blur and you don't know who or what you are fighting. It's hard to accept. It's certainly not the prosperity God that the Western church preaches. It's not the "healing is always on" God that the Western church preaches.

The other day I was reading Job and was seeing that God had been distant throughout Job's struggle as well. However we know at the end when God restored everything to Job, that He in fact wasn't distant. He was listening to every single word him and his friends were saying. He was involved but was silent. Imagine though that Job didn't have Jesus Christ as His Lord and savior. The Messiah was yet a promise far off in the future. He didn't have the privilege to know God's love through the sacrifice that Jesus would make for us. His friends words did not help either.

This has been the hardest year of my life. Prior to that, 2013 was the hardest. Prior to that 2012. Prior to that 2011. etc It feels like God is trying to destroy me. It feels like he wants to watch me suffer to the point of absolute destitute. In this season I've been pondering more about what are our needs? Is clothing really a need when you have clothes, even if they are 6 years old and have holes? Is a house a need, maybe a shelter works well enough? Heating? Light bulbs? Trash service? Hot water? Food? Internet? Cable? Phone?

Sometimes God won't always be there cheering you on and embracing you. Sometimes he will choose to step aside and see what you do...

I can look to Jesus' wilderness and even though we don't know what happened during the full 40 days, Jesus, the perfect, sinless, Son of God was likely broken physically, mentally and emotionally to prepare Him. We also know that Apostle Paul had some sort of wilderness for 3 years (read in Galatians 1:11-24), but again we know of no specifics on it. There seemed to be some sort of preparation for him too.

Every day is a battle. Every day is tears. Every day is pain. Every day the sky feels like it's falling.

And yet God gave us promises of life, strength and rest. He said we were examples. He said that we were like the green leaf in drought that did not wither. He said that we were going to be those who build mature Christians. He said that we would be healed. He said that our needs would be met in this season.

I just didn't realize what was going to happen in between, to get to these promises. No one prepared me properly. I was sold a false gospel and told everything would be better after I gave my life to Jesus.

God knew what was to come because He called us here to stand. It doesn't make it any easier though as I write this crying my eyes out.

People say God won't do this. I don't know. One thing I do know now, is there is a very high price to pay to be used of God. Yes there is a cost. Yes there is sacrifice. 

When God Calls You to Stand in the Wilderness

When God calls you to stand in a wilderness, it's not fun. It is not pretty. It is not a game. You can fall away from the faith during this time if you mistakenly remove the full armor of God by trying to do things your own way. Regardless of how alone you may feel, God is there every step along the way protecting you, providing for you and also teaching you things that can't be established elsewhere. You are in good company, but you must stay alert and obey God every step of the way. If you fall down as I have along the way, just get back up and run back to Jesus.

For a long time, I didn't realize we were in a wilderness. I thought I was looking for the anointed man to pray for me to get healed. I thought that I just needed to get my healing theology settled and then I would be healed. I thought that I had missed it somewhere along the way. We had these amazing prophetic words spoken to us over 2 years ago talking about a time where we were obviously healed and I just could not understand where we went wrong or what we possibly did to miss it. We walked to the best of our ability and generally felt like we were obeying God... So what was going on?

That's when I looked around and realized, Duh you've been in the wilderness all along. The dry earth, spiny shrubs and fierce animals all around....Yep all this time I've been in the wilderness, but couldn't recognize it. haha The questioning, the reasoning, the crying, the doubting, the anger, the frustration, the unknown, the helplessness and much more. This is where your faith is tested and God builds you, matures you and fashions you into what He has for your life.

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. ³ And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; ⁵ and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

James 1:2-4
² Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. ⁴ And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Many say God can't or won't use sickness as a wilderness in a person's life. Many say that healing is right now, always flowing, so just receive. I believed that for a long time and this is actually where it lead me. After struggling for more than 20 months in trying to understand what was going on, I am glad to know that we were in the wilderness all along. Why? Because it gives me hope and a satisfaction that there is an end and that God has been in this the whole time! When God has you in a wilderness, He really is with you every step of the way. Through your goof ups, triumphs, failures, sadness, tears and pain. When Elijah was in his wilderness (read in 1 Kings 17), God provided water for him at the brook Cherith and commanded ravens to bring him food each day. Then once the brook dried up due to the drought, God sent him packing to the next place where he would live off of a handful of flour in a jar and some oil in a jug for years. Even though things looked dreary, God was there.

So for me, realizing that God has been guiding our footsteps in this journey and it wasn't just me off doing my own thing, losing my way and following my flesh, I have to tell you it was extremely uplifting, hopeful and reassuring. God used our journey in pursuing Jesus as our healer as a time for Him to build me, teach me, establish me, change me, tear things down in me, build things back up in me and for me to get to know Him.

God refrained telling us we were in a wilderness because I don't think I would have accepted it. For me it is much easier to believe a wilderness season could stem from a loss of job, death of a friend, being burned out in ministry or God bringing you into a new place, but no way would He use sickness! Even though the signs were written on the wall, I didn't want to look at them because it challenged some of my beliefs of what God would do in a person's life with sickness. Generally speaking I do not believe that God made me sick, but God used this journey in us to conform us to the image of His son.

Romans 8: 28-30
28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. 29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; 30and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

So I am here now, but if I continuously look back to see what I could have done is fruitless and leads to guilt and condemnation. It keeps a person from moving forward and just keeps them walking around in circles. If Elijah had left the widow's house to go back to the brook which may have been familiar to him, it would not have been flowing with water again and the ravens would not have brought him food. God did that only for a time and then told Elijah to move on. He didn't tell Elijah to hit a rock or speak to a rock to make water like he did with Moses, he told him to move on and go forward to the widow's house.

We have to follow God's leads wherever that takes us even if it challenges us and makes us feel uncomfortable or if it is different than what others around us are doing.

When we find ourselves in a wilderness, we can't keep looking back at what God did for us in a past season or earlier in the season and try to make it work again. Sometimes we have to let go of our comforts and continue on to the next area God has for us. He wants us to walk forward with Him and move from there. Many times it really will be out of our comfort zones and it won't feel so good at first and this part of the testing of our faith. Many may actually rebuke it as if it's the enemy (haha!!), but it may be God leading us away from everything we once knew and telling us to walk this way over here instead of the path many others went down before us. This is what God did with Abraham, telling him to leave his family and his country to move into new land where he promises to bless him and make him a nation (read in Genesis 12:1-3).

Just in the last 4 months, I have finally come to a place where I am OK with the idea that God has essentially been saying, "not yet" when we went to all of those healing meetings. He used those healing meetings and ministers to get me to start asking questions, to get fed up with it all and to seek Him in a much deeper way.  He kept us here for a short while to build something in us that otherwise would not have been in us because I never would have started questioning things.

Trust me though I don't look at this in a prideful way, but really in just shock and awe of God has done. He took me who was a borderline atheist who wanted nothing to do with God and ministry and has turned me into a Born again Jesus preaching madwoman. haha!

It has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination because our wilderness is not just spiritual, financial and emotional, but also physical. We both have physical conditions that can only be healed by God. It is even tougher when you suffer from symptoms daily and are robbed of any way to work to provide for yourself. I had to surrender everything to God and just let Him do what He wanted to do in our lives. We are completely dependent on God for all of our needs in this season any way...I really mean that too and he has provided. If I look at it selfishly for a moment, how can I run from the only one who can help? How can I say no to the only one who has the power and authority to heal me and give me the life He has promised me?

1 Peter 1:6-7
6  In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ...

I have been quite distressed at times. I have felt extremely tested and tried to the point of brokenness not once, not twice, but more like ten times. I don't know why we have been tested in this way, but I give praise and glory and honor to God for what He has done. Maybe some day in the future I will be able to look back and say, "Oh yes now I see why God did this". As for now, I have to continue to trust Him because we are still in the wilderness and He is our only way out of the wilderness. A friend came over and prayed for us and she said, "you won't fall off the cliff". That has always been something I would say, "God don't let us fall off the cliff, we have been hanging on to you". We won't fall off the cliff because God is here with us. It's not because of something that I am doing or because I have such amazing faith. I generally don't look at myself as someone who has great faith. haha! It's completely and entirely because God is in this. He is leading us every step of the way and I just put my simple faith and trust in God.

And even though I've come to a place where I'm spiritually OK that God had us here and was doing something in our lives, I am also very ready to move on and for healing to take place in our bodies. It is time Oh Lord for the promises in our life to be fulfilled. I want to be able to answer the call God has in my life and to start walking out what He has been showing me.

Psalm 143:7-11

⁷ Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
⁸ Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.

⁹ Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies;
In You I take shelter.
¹⁰ Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Your Spirit is good.
Lead me in the land of uprightness.

¹¹ Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake!
For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.

  This song came on Spotify as I was writing this and it seemed quite appropriate. Sometimes God says, "stay"! Sometimes God says, "go"! We have to listen to Him and follow appropriately.