Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Feeling Alone in the Storms

I've been really quiet on my blog because it's been a very difficult, trying time (once again) in my life. There has been so much stress and pressure put on me and I did not feel like writing.

This blog post is going to be pretty emotional and raw.

Let's talk about friendships or really the lack of them. I wrote a post about this same topic in the beginning of this year here where I've had to let go people I've met in this season.

Ever since I was a teenager, I've had trouble keeping friends. In all of the friendships I've ever had with women, there was always this element where I had to be fake. I couldn't actually be honest and truthful with them because it might hurt their feelings. For me this does not work. I like to just say it like it is instead of me festering or holding on to things inside of me. However I realized that 99% of the population does not work that way and so it causes problems.

People want you to be fake. I refuse to do it.

Inevitably I've always been the one blamed for being a bad friend and then a "break up" happens. It is always in these times where the other person's true feelings finally come out. This is when I see they were the ones festering animosity this whole time and it's a big mess. After various messages back and forth, I realize that there is no possible way reconciliation can happen because it wasn't real to begin with.

It is like I was friends with a facade, not the actual real person within them.

I've seen this cycle time and time again in my life. Today, this is why I'm upfront and real with people.

My husband told me this quality in me is why he fell in love with me. He loved that I had an opinion! Apparently on our first date I was ranting about the Catholic church?! haha! I don't even remember that, but it's obvious that God put us together. No one else I ever knew liked that quality about me!

It is the thing everyone else hates that my husband loves.

I say it like it is because I will not fester and harvest things inside of me. Any time I've violated this rule of mine, it always comes back to hurt me in the long run.

In these fake friendships, I always felt like I lost my freedom and my voice. It was like that person expected me or even peer pressured me into doing what they were doing. I hated it. I had to put up an act. I had to always agree with them. I had to like the things they liked. I had to basically be them and I hated it. It's like a bad controlling relationship.

To me that is not a friendship but that is honestly a prison. Today I refuse to befriend someone if that's the terms they have for friendship. I absolutely despise it and will eventually push the person away on purpose.

To add insult to injury, having a chronic illness does not help things either. It tested all of the friendships I've had.

The main problem is that....

I don't have kids.
I did not finish college.
I don't work.
I can't regularly go to church.
I can't "hang out".
I hate talking on the phone because it aggravates my health problems.

That pretty much throws every friendship and way of making (and connecting with) friends out the window. All of the things that people do with their friends, I cannot possibly do and it always puts strain on the friendship. If I do end up making a friend, eventually the emails or texts stop and then I never hear from them again. Time and time again.

So for me, all that I have are online friendships and I am grateful for those who have stuck around even if it's just 3-4 of you. I thank God for you every day.

I feel like most of those whom people think are their friends are an illusion.

They are there for you today because:
...you still agree with them.
...you can still hang out.
...you work with them.
...there is something in your life that connects you.

If you remove all of that, will they still be there? For how long? A few months? I had amazing friends when I worked at Kohl's and Pier 1, but that was over 10 years ago now and those people are gone. I personally have never seen a friendship ever last when there is nothing to keep a person connected.

This is a sad post, but one I wanted to write today. I really don't have any friends. No one calls. No one texts. I get no phone calls on my birthday. I get no invites to weddings. I get no invites to bridal or baby showers. Honestly if I died today, I do not think anyone locally outside of my family would actually care. I've had to come to the reality of that and somehow be OK with it.

I simply have no one at all in my life except for my husband and God.

I've entered in a time where my husband cannot help me in the place I'm in. He cannot help me with the struggles and pain that I'm feeling in my heart. I have been so emotionally and physically unwell, but instead of God bringing me people to comfort me, He has taken more away.

It might seem strange to many of you reading, but I believe that God has brought me to this place. He has brought me so alone and so low to show me that He is enough. I don't need likes on Facebook. I don't need a certain number of friends on Facebook. I don't need more followers on my blog or even more visitors here. I really only need Him.

Jesus was betrayed and abandoned by the only people and friends He knew. God knows the pain I'm feeling and I continue to trust that He will bring my husband and I community and friends that will accept us as we are today. Neither of us have that right now.