Sunday, January 31, 2010

My Sickness/Life Timeline...

This is a little timeline of how things progressed with me personally and my poor health. There are a lot of correlations with what was happening to me personally and with my health deteriorating.

I'm starting as far back as 4th grade because I already started to show signs that something wasn't quite right.

4th grade--Anxiety. Terrible anxiety. I would go to the guidance counselor every morning and cry. I still (to this day) have NO idea what I was scared of. I told the lady that I was always so stressed out feeling and that if I had any homework due that day, I was nervous I didn't do it right. I also had a male teacher and my counselor thought maybe that was my problem, but I never thought so...

5th grade--Completely fine. No anxiety about school except in math! haha

6th grade--Anxiety again. My grandmother died during the school year and I had a lot of trouble grieving. I would just bust out in tears during the middle of class if she gave us a hard homework assignment. I could not handle any type of stress whatsoever. This is also the year your body starts to change and I was not developing like the other girls in school. I had zero breasts and did not even need a bra, but I bought them anyway...

7th grade--This was an interesting year. I started to make new friends as all the schools come together in this grade. I ate very poorly during lunch (1 choco crunch ice cream bar every day) and I gained A TON of weight. At my heaviest I was about 150 and a size 10-12. Prior to this I was always VERY skinny and could eat anything I really wanted without worrying about the waist/butt growing. Not anymore after this year. I started working out with Taebo and I lost about 15 pounds! I looked good too.

I believe I got my cycle this year, but I cannot It was either 7th or 8th grade.

8th grade--Nothing notable here.

9th grade--I really started to become a woman finally. Dang I was a late bloomer I think or something. This was the first time when I finally was attracted to the opposite sex. It's odd because other girls in 6th grade had C cup breasts, having sex and were WAY more developed than me 3 years later....

I got contacts this year and no longer had ugly, hideous glasses I was hiding behind. I hate those things! Why do parents give their children ugly glasses?

10th grade--I started to date people very casually. My first BF broke my heart and dumped me after 2 weeks. (haha) Then I started dating his friend a few months later and we were together for a little while, but nothing of substance ever came out of it (we were what 15? lol). I remember struggling with my weight in this grade a little more, but I was a lot better choosing foods rather than buying an ice cream sandwich every day.

The summer going into 11th grade is when I decided to join marching band. I had to go to band camp for 2 weeks. I almost died every single day there. Seriously. No exaggeration at all. I felt so ill and would almost faint every damn day because it was SOO hot. The only thing that kept me going was carrying a water bottle on my shoulder and I would sip on it all day long. I brought a HUGE water cooler (yes a cooler) and then filled my water bottle up from that. I had to drink ICE cold water or I didn't want it. The water from the fountains was not cold enough... haha

11th grade--This is where my life starts to take a bad turn. Lots of TERRIBLE things happened to me this year. I had multiple people take advantage of me or treat me like dirt while dating them. The anorexia and ephedra abuse started after one of these events and it was my way of trying to gain control of my life. I know it. One boyfriend was very controlling who only ever wanted me to give him head/hand jobs. I was just a piece of meat to this jerk. When I tried to finally break up with him, he told me he was going to kill himself. /sigh That was really stressful and he made my life a living hell for a long time.

As this was going on, a person very close, whom I trusted took advantage of me in the worst way, which was more than I could handle. I would have rather dealt with the controlling, crazy, insane boyfriend.

I also started to go "goth", but not really. I wore regular clothes, but just wore a bunch of chains around my neck and dyed the front part of my hair blonde (like Rogue from Xmen). I think this was my way of telling people to leave me the hell alone. I also did this so that if someone actually wanted to date me, they'd have to accept me for me (with chains). haha

Most of 11th grade was me trying to deal with the severe lightheadedness I experienced on a daily basis. Walking to class was a chore. I'd feel like I was going to fall down all the time, but once I was sitting, I would always recover. I think I took the ephedra because it actually made me feel better since it raises blood pressure. There were a few nights I thought I was going to die from the intense headaches it gave me on occasion. They were so bad I would bang my head on the wall...

Eventually my periods went AWOL. I went into premature menopause from not eating. I did not get them back until my senior year and I cannot even fully remember when that happened. My friends thought I was pregnant as I was drinking and peeing so much. Nope..not pregnant. I was just really freaking messed up.

In June, I had to go to prom with one of my ex's because we had planned to go together while we were still dating. I was in very poor shape and had lost A LOT of weight (from not eating). It took all my energy to make it through that night and through the after prom (which I should have skipped).

Then one day I woke up and decided I no longer wanted to wear the chains. I dyed my hair very dark red and started to dress nice. I bought nicer jeans and shirts.

I think it was the summer into my 12th grade year that I nearly died at an amusement park. I seriously CANNOT remember if it was going into my senior year or if it was the summer after I graduated... At this amusement park, I fell down and blacked out. My entire body turned blue and I could not hear or see anything. I was looking at myself, looking at myself. I can still picture my face plastered against the storm drain on the asphalt.

We went to the first aid station and my BP was 60/40 and I was so very ill. The lady there said that I must be really dehydrated and to take it easy. I took like a 4 hour nap and did not even realize I had slept at all. Even after all that rest, I continued to faint over and over again and I called my parents to come get me. I was VERY thin then. I think I was fitting into a size 2 very easily.

12th grade (Senior Year)--I remember coming back to school and everyone was amazed by how much weight I had lost. Damn! I started to get A LOT of attention from guys, but I really wasn't that interested. I did not date many people during high school. More weird stuff happened to me though which seems to be inevitable these days. I had someone take advantage of me while I had been drinking a little bit too much vodka, which is why I now hate to drink at parties or in restaurants etc. I don't like to feel out of control.

No one wanted to take me to homecoming or prom. Sad huh? I made a shirt that said, "I need a homecoming date" , but had no takers. How pathetic! I begged someone I met at a Sevendust concert to come to my homecoming and he did. I never went to my prom because you weren't allowed to go solo! /sigh I was not ugly either, so I'm not sure why no one wanted to take me. I don't think I have any pictures uploaded on my computer of myself when I was in high school or I'd put one up here. I looked damn good for homecoming...haha

My health was NOT good. I was still going through periods where I'd eat and then not eat. This was really hard on my body and anytime it would get food, I'd put on so much weight it was not funny.

I hated myself so much during this year and would have break downs in the bathroom on a regular basis. Anytime I had any stress, I'd just collapse.

I did go on to win 1st place in the school's literature magazine for a poem I written. I was doing A LOT of writing during these past few years as I was struggling to understand why certain things happened to me in my life. Some of those poems are dark as hell and would make for absolutely amazing songs. Some day that will happen.

I finished school with a 3.8 GPA. I always did really well in school even with all these health problems.

After high school--My parents forced me to go to college, so I decided to just go to community college. I did not even try to get into any large colleges as I did not want to go. I did not fill out a SINGLE college app...haha

I started meeting new people from school/work and continued to date and get into more serious relationships. I always dated older guys, somehow thinking they were more mature...LOL Some of them were good, some of them were just flat-out stupid and some of them were bad, bad, bad. haha

I also started to work full time at a cell phone company. It was out of my comfort zone yet I really wanted to try it out. Even though my boss was a jerk, it was one of the best things I ever did. I didn't think I could succeed at it, but I absolutely kicked butt at selling phones. I was top in sales almost every month. I was making quite a bit of money considering I was single and still living at home. After stupid relationship, after stupid relationship, I met my to-be husband. All that dating finally worked as I met the man I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life! That is what I was looking for all along and I think that scared most of the men I dated away.

We got married very quickly.

My health started to get much worse. I could no longer work because standing up for long periods of time was next to impossible. Retail jobs were killing me and I quit working.

A few months after quitting work, my sister found out she had a malignant brain tumor and I went into a dark depression for months. I did not want to eat, talk or even leave the house. Only after she was given a good prognosis, did I come out of my shell. This had such a huge affect on me as I thought I was going to lose my sister. My sister and I had been through A LOT because we shared a room our entire lives from age 6 until I moved out when I got married at 19.

I believe that brings us to speed to where this blog started and it should give everyone a better understanding of how things progressed with my health. I've been sick for A LONG TIME. This is not something new which is why I think I have something seriously wrong with me. I am not old (25) and for someone to be sick as young as me, there has to be an explanation for all of this. I just haven't been able to figure it out just yet. One day..One day..

Friday, January 29, 2010

Beta-Blockers, Norepinephrine and POTS

The EP I saw for POTS (Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) gave me a prescription for Metoprolol ER 25mg tabs. I haven't been taking them because I was a little afraid to. Well one day I just about had it and decided to try it.

It took about 30-45 minutes for it to kick in, but when it did I felt so much calmer. My heart chilled out and I could actually function. I was good for the next few days and didn't bother taking the beta-blocker.

There was another day where I took it and once again, it not only makes my heart feel better, but I feel much more relaxed overall.

Today I knew almost as soon as I woke up, it was going to be a bad "POTS" day. I took the beta blocker and once again, I feel sooooo much calmer. My husband asked me if I feel any different when I take it and I told him ABSOLUTELY. It not only calms my heart way down, but I just have a better generalized feeling about life. It's odd! Then he told me that beta-blockers block norepinephrine, which may be what is causing BOTH my POTS and the anxiety. HOLY COW! Maybe he is right.

My first google search leads me to a musician website where people take beta-blockers before performances, solo recitals, concerts etc. I've always been unable to handle stress NO MATTER WHAT dose of HC I've been on. When I used to play 1st and 2nd trumpet in the high school ensemble and jazz ensemble, I was always a wreck before performances especially when I had solos or a very difficult part to play! I still suffer from a lot of the symptoms most would call "low cortisol" symptoms, such as being startled easily, nausea, loss of appetite, tremors and a general "on the edge" feeling anytime I need to do something out of my comfort zone.

Maybe I have very high plasma levels of norepinephrine running through my body causing both this anxiety and the tachycardia upon standing. Hyperadrenergic one of the known causes of POTS, so this isn't too far off.

I'll need to do a bit more research into this, but I think it's rather interesting! Another thing I've noticed while on the beta-blocker is that I do not feel faint when I stand up even though my blood pressure has been dreadfully low lately. I have no idea why, but it is a rather interesting observation.

Maybe, just maybe there is hope?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm Disgusted

I'm just so disgusted with myself lately. The past 8 months? or so has been the worst roller coaster ride ever and I want off. I'm so sick of feeling like 265 different emotions every single day with no hope that this will ever end!

I have no friends, so this doesn't help and this is just too much for my husband to handle now. Who do I talk to? How do I communicate when I'm unable to?

I feel trapped and I have no idea how I'm going to make things better.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Started the cytomel (T3)

Yesterday I started the cytomel. My doctor said to take 5mcg, twice daily. /sigh I'm wondering if this is too much for it at all once. I might try taking just 5mcg tomorrow to see how I feel. It has definitely improved my mood, but I feel a bit out of sorts. My temps are perfect at 98.6, but my heart seems aggravated. Sadly I just can't use that as a reference though since my heart is normally quite pissed off to say it nicely. haha

Today though my heart seemed real bad. I was just walking around my house and it clocked in at 158. Then I actually wanted to get some stuff done around the house and it was 173. Basically for the rest of the day I've been sitting on my butt. I'm not proud of that, but it's the only thing that calms my heart. Right now my heart rate is 90, but if I stand up to do anything it will shoot up through the roof.

Even with my heart as insane as it is, I got our Christmas tree down. I'm not usually the type to rush in taking the decorations down. In fact, I think last year we kept our tree up well into January. So what made me take it down early? Our newest addition to the household, Vegas our 8 month old kitten! hahah Yesterday and today he finally managed to knock the tree completely over and it just looked like hell. Rather than fix it, we both decided it was just time to pack it up. Taking the tree down was quite hellish for me, but I survived!

One thing I want to note for future Today my husband seems the most depressed I've seen for some time. I can tell when he's hiding it, but today he cannot even hide it. He's been spending a lot of time to himself just staring. /sadface I hope all is well with him.