It's been nearly 4 years since I
told my mom I was sexually abused by one of my cousins.
The Lord has done a lot in those 4
years and I wanted to write again in more detail. I am more than
happy to write about this, so please email me or comment below if you
want to see more articles about this part of my life.
The first part of the healing process
involved me becoming born again and believing in Jesus Christ as my
Lord and Savior. I had been raised in the Catholic church, but it was
never personal in my own heart.
Jesus says in John 3:3 “Truly, truly,
I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of
God.” Paul writes in Romans 10:9-10 “...that if you confess with
your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised
Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person
believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he
confesses, resulting in salvation.”
On June 16, 2012 I made the decision on
my own faith to believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Prior
to this, I was completely lost, insecure, broken and always looked to
myself for my strength and for answers in life. I was always wanting
to be in control of everything. Even my aversion to having faith in
God and in His Son Jesus Christ, was largely influenced by the
psychological issues that arose from the abuse. I always looked at
those who believed in God as weak minded people who needed to believe
in something to feel better about themselves. I didn't want to be
seen as weak, so I didn't see any reason why I needed God in my life.
Well life began to show me many reasons
why I needed God. Life began to show me that I wasn't quite as tough
as I had thought. Life began to show me that I was not in control as
much as I had thought. There were a lot of other things
going on in my life that finally lead me to the Lord.
Often times, due to our own
stubbornness, it may take hardship and trials in order for a person
to realize just how much they really need God! When we can make all
the loose ends in our life work out (even if it's quite messy), we
tend to think we have no need for God. It is this mindset that keeps
a person away from God their entire life. If you do not know and love
God in this life, then you cannot expect to know Him or be with Him
in heaven when you die. That's the reality of it.
We are All Sinners in Need of a Savior
For me the first major step towards
healing was recognizing that I was a sinner and was in need of a
Savior to forgive me of the many sins that I committed in my life.
Many of those sins were actually in response to the abuse that was
done to me. The sexual abuse left me as a confused teenage woman. I
continued to put myself in terrible situations where I could be taken
advantage of by people and had little confidence or love for myself.
I burned my arms. I starved myself. I hated everything about me.
Those who have been abused have to
recognize that they too have sinned and fall short of the glory of
God (Romans 3:23). Although your sins may be different or “lesser”
in your eyes, those sins still separate you from the Lord. The good
news is there is no need to carry them around like baggage because
forgiveness of sins and salvation is a free gift from God to all who
believe in Jesus Christ.
I Wasn't Looking to be Healed of the Abuse
Once I was born again and baptized,
I'll admit I wasn't looking to be healed of the abuse. I was pursuing
God to be healed of long term chronic illness and for a sense of
meaning in my life.
But in my pursuing of God, the Lord
knew what was to come and He also knew the things that needed to be
done in my heart. Even though I denied it, God knew how much the
abused had effected every single aspect of my life. God cares about
our whole being! It was only 6 weeks after I was born again that my
cousin's mom died and I knew there was no way I could go to her
funeral. I knew this was going to bring up some awkward questions,
uncertainty from family members and even contact from my cousin
himself.
My cousin did in fact contact me a few weeks after the funeral. It pushed everything that had happened a decade prior to
the forefront. I was in absolute panic and terror.
Abusers will use anything in order to
try to get back into your life. They thrive on you “needing them”
or they will look for situations where they want you to give them
sympathy. Many even create situations where you need them in order
to continue to abuse you. With my cousin there was always
manipulation and control. Nothing was ever as it seemed and there was
always something in it for him.
When my aunt died, I had to face a lot
of parts of my life that I never wanted to face. Previously I had
determined that I would probably take all of this to my grave. I
figured no one needed to know about it.
God disagreed with my plan! Haha! Part
of the healing process was God taking the veil away from my eyes and
heart and letting me see what my cousin did to me. For a good part of
12 years, I thought what had happened was actually my fault or
something that I wanted to happen. There were so many lies. There was
so much shame. There was so much pain. All of that was keeping me
silent and locked in a prison. God also let me see that my voice was
important. He had things He wanted me to say and He still has need of
me to be used by Him in ministry. This blog and everything the Lord
has shown me in His church is just one example of that.
It may be hard for people who have not
gone through incest sexual abuse to understand these conflicting emotions. However
when sexual abuse is done by a person you thought you could trust and
love, it really messes up your mind. Looking back I was trying to
protect myself and I went along with a lot of things mainly because I
was so scared! I remember during that time I was mostly just
terrified and in shock. It was too much for me to bear.
After my aunt died and my cousin
contacted me on Facebook, I cried out to the Lord in complete
desperation. God spoke to me very clearly that morning and told me to
call my mom and tell her what happened. I don't know how my mom dealt
with it all since it was her sister who had died just a few weeks prior, but she
listened and believed me! She said that my behaviors in the past were
now finally making sense to her! I truly believe today that it was
God who set that phone call up.
Groomed to be Abused
One of the hardest parts for me to face
was the fact that my cousin and his father (my uncle) hand selected
me to be abused later on in my life. I'll be honest, I often wonder
if others in my family have also been abused. There was a lot of
flattery from them in my youth. There was a lot of attention given to
me. Despite being warned by my parents to stay away from my uncle, it
was his son that deceived me. I remember the whole family came
together and celebrated when my cousins would come in to visit. It
was always such a great family event. There was such joy and
excitement associated with my cousin(s) that I didn't normally have
in my life. There was a lot of lying and story telling where my
cousin always made himself the hero. Most of these stories involved
violence of some sort and him defeating a 'bad guy'. My uncle was
also known for being violent and abusive, so there was also a sense of danger
too. Whenever you are a small child these things affect you more
deeply than you realize at the time.
I had many cousins growing up and we
were all very close like best friends! It was not
uncommon to have sleepovers and hang out all the time. My cousin used
these situations to his advantage to push the boundaries of what a
cousin would normally do together.
Grooming tactics can often times look
like innocent child's play or can sometimes be brushed off as “just
a misunderstanding”. I specifically remember as I got older (13),
there was more physical touching like grabbing my hand or brushing
against my abdomen or wrapping his arm around my waist or tickling me in a very flirty way. I
specifically remember asking my other cousins if they saw him acting
strangely around me.
It's important to recognize that the
kind of abuse that I suffered was not a single traumatic event that
happened by a stranger or acquaintance.
I was groomed. I was manipulated.
Boundaries were pushed each time him and his family came in for a visit. He pushed
his limits to see what I would take or if I was going to stop him. At
first I did stop and say no, but over time I became too scared to say anything at
all. Most of my journal entries in that phase of my life said something like, “Does
my cousin actually love me and want a relationship with me?”
In my mind the concept of sexual abuse
wasn't even on my radar and the only logical explanation I could come
up with was that he must actually love me. It was at this point in
time that I began to experience what is known as Stockholm Syndrome.
I began to experience a bond and sympathize with my abuser.
Merriam-Webster defines it as “the psychological tendency of a
hostage to bond with, identify with, or sympathize with his or her
captor.”
All of this only added to my confusion.
The shame, guilt and dirty feelings kept me trapped in a cycle of
abuse. When he was not visiting the area, the emotional and psychological abuse continued online via instant messenger and emails.
He said, She said
When it comes to sexual abuse, it is
unlikely there will be witnesses to the crimes. The shame, guilt and
confusion one feels normally keeps a person from getting help from
family, friends or the police. As I said previously, I was groomed
over a long period of time before the abuse began. They get you
comfortable being alone with them, so they can do it all in private
and secret.
Many who have been abused, fear that
they won't be believed when they do finally speak up. Unfortunately
most of the time they aren't believed and the more status, fame or
cherished the abuser is by friends, family and the community he or
she is involved with, the less likely the victim will be believed.
Since I didn't even believe myself, I
didn't expect anyone to believe me. I am blessed that some people
have believed me. Many don't understand and haven't given me any further emotional support, but they do in the very least believe me.
Looking back over my own story, I thank
GOD that my mom believed me! I think my healing process would have
gone quite differently if she had not. However at this stage of
healing, I honestly don't care if people believe me. Most of my
family is still Facebook friends with my abuser and they still talk
to him as far as I know.
Denial of Evil in Our Midst
I understand that for most families,
friends and communities, it is hard to accept that a person you love,
lived with, laughed with and shared memories with could be an evil
abuser. Imagine how much harder it is for the person who was actually
abused?
Most people think that kind of stuff
happens to other families and could not possibly happen in their own
families or communities. I think it is because we project our own
kindness and perceived goodness on to others, so we can't think that
someone so evil could hide in our midst. Sadly evil can look good,
sound good, be quite convincing and charming.
Evil people do not run around with
horns and a pitchfork.
Apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians
11:14-15. “No wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel
of light. Therefore it is not surprising if his servants also
disguise themselves as servants of righteousness, whose end will be
according to their deeds.”
Unlike what is shown in pop culture,
the devil can be disguised as someone who is good and
righteous; not evil and wicked. The devil also doesn't live in hell as it is popularly portrayed either. He prowls around on the earth "...like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). He is the father of lies who schemes and deceives people. This is why
abuse can happen in churches, charities, good families and other
places that one would not expect it to happen. Abusers take advantage
of people's compassion, trust, love and forgiveness to carry out
their own dark desires.
God will one day judge these people
accordingly just as Scripture tells us. They may not be held
accountable in this life by our own justice system, but they will not
escape the judgment of God at the end of time. Knowing this brings me
great rest that ultimately the Lord will set everything right. I
still pray for the repentance and salvation of my abuser, but if he
never comes to that place, then I know God will bring righteous
judgment upon him.
Lord God Can Bring Healing
The Lord God can heal you from sexual
abuse. I'll take it a step further and say ONLY the Lord God can heal
a person from sexual abuse. I looked at other secular paths, but none
of them did me any good. I tried to heal myself with self-help techniques and an EFT counselor, but it just left me feeling worse.
The veil was always there.
The lies were always there.
The pain and shame never went away.
The dirty and unclean feelings simply
remained.
On the outside maybe I looked OK, but inside my heart was still dying.
There are many who are quite open about
their abuse yet still suffer in their personal lives in various ways.
It's important to be honest with ourselves and look to see how
exactly the abuse may still be affecting us today. Even if it's 10,
20, 30+ years in the past we may see areas in our life where the effects are
still present. It can manifest in so many different ways and it will
likely be different for you than it was for me.
Some may not be able to hold a job or may be unable to remain in any long term relationship. Some may be using alcohol and
drugs to cope. Some may still be trapped in a prison of shame,
anxiety, insecurity and anger.
You can read more about the effects of
child sexual abuse on the adult survivor here.
http://www.siawso.org/page-5143
You also read more about the effects
here.
Sexual abuse can even cause people to
question their sexual identity too. I know in my own walk, I had
questions and confusion in that area for a short time. I found myself
in a gay club from age 18-19 in an attempt to hide from men who might
hurt me. There was a brief time in my life that I thought maybe I was
bisexual too.
The Limitations of Counselors
There are many limitations when using a
counselor especially a secular counselor who does not believe in
Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
A counselor cannot take away your
shame.
A counselor cannot take away the guilt.
A counselor cannot take away the
painful memories.
A counselor cannot give you the ability
to forgive your abuser.
A counselor cannot give you redemption,
love and life.
It's important to recognize that a
counselor is an imperfect human being (like you and me) who has their
own set of problems and insecurities. They can make mistakes due to
their limited knowledge and may even have a bias towards your
situation. Even the kindest therapist with the best intentions can do
harm to you unintentionally. Sexual abuse counseling is a very
delicate process.
Many counselors and psychologists are
unhealed from their own mental health issues and the job itself
brings about serious mental and emotional problems too.
The EFT counselor I saw for a period of
time was very liberal in her morals and values and tried to get me to
accept things that went against my conscience. Some of her suggested
treatments were for me to partake in sexual behaviors that I
considered immoral. It was absolutely devastating to me! The Lord had
to undo damage that this woman did to me psychologically.
If you need to see a counselor, then I
would only recommend seeing a Christian counselors and even still, I
think you must be selective in who you see. Some
Christian counselors bring New Age ideals into their practices or use "inner healing" techniques that I completely disagree with. Many use practices that ask the individual to go back to each traumatic memory and to “look for Jesus”.
I
disagree with this kind of therapy because the victim can easily fabricate images in their mind that might soothe them temporarily, but may be detrimental to their long term healing and trust in God.
In contrast to the limitations of a
counselor, with the Lord all things are possible!
The Lord can take away your shame.
The Lord can take away the guilt.
The Lord can take away the painful
memories (or at least make them less emotionally painful).
The Lord can give you the ability to
forgive your abuser.
The Lord can bring redemption, love and
a new life.
I think it's important to recognize
that the healing process will likely be slow and quite painful
at times. The Lord gave me instant freedom in certain areas of my
abuse, but He has also had me in a very difficult wilderness season
the last 4 years. It was during that time that He built a connection
in me to Him.
I truly believe the journey to healing
will be different for everyone, but the most important thing is to be
connected to the Lord and to listen to Him. Learning to know God as your Heavenly Father is so important to healing. Pray to Him and tell Him all of your struggles and get into the Word of God so that the Lord can impart His truth to you and begin to erase the lies you believe about yourself. The Lord can be trusted
to take you through the process.
God Can Be Trusted to Guide You Through the Journey
The Lord is holy, righteous and
good. He is perfect. He does not make mistakes. He is patient,
loving, kind, longsuffering and most importantly loves us and knows
us more intimately than we even know ourselves. He is all knowing and
has unlimited understanding, compassion and knowledge.
The Creator can heal you in ways that a
man or woman is unable to do so.
The secular counselors say you have to take charge of your healing by learning to change your thoughts, emotions and your reactions. They give you activities to distract you from the pain, but they cannot heal a wound in your heart. Many of them also bring in spiritual elements that are not compatible with Christianity.
In contrast when you come to the Lord,
we simply surrender ourselves to Him.
Jesus says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I
will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am
gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Only the Lord Jesus Christ who
willingly hung on the cross for you, who bore your sins, shame,
guilt, condemnation and pains, can free you from those chains. Only
the Lord Jesus Christ can give you the grace (or the ability) to
forgive those whom most would deem unforgivable. Only the Lord Jesus
Christ can give you the peace and rest you are looking for in your
heart.
When it comes to healing with the Lord,
some of it will include a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) and an
understanding of our identity in Christ. However, there is also a
supernatural element to it that you won't be able to fully understand
or even grasp. When a person is born again, the Holy Spirit comes and
lives inside of the person and they are washed clean and made
righteous in Christ. For me that was so important because when my
cousin stole my innocence and virginity from me, it made me feel like
a whore, dirty, unclean and stained.
But the Lord Jesus Christ washed me
clean of all those sins and impurities and He imputed to me, His
righteousness. I traded my dirtied rags for a clean white robe! All
of that dirt and grime and sins I had committed in my life, God
forgave in the blink of an eye.
This is why I believe only the Lord can
completely and fully heal a person from the trauma of the abuse and
every other effect that goes along with it. Only He can wash us clean
and make us whole and righteous. If you have gone down other paths
for healing and have sought counseling, I am not here to condemn you
for your choice. I am appealing to you as a fellow sexual abuse
survivor to come to the Lord Jesus Christ.
If you need to go see a counselor or
therapist, then please do so! If you find though they are not helping
you or it is just masking your emotions, then all is not lost. There
is hope and healing in the Lord Jesus Christ. Only our Heavenly
Father can get down to the very depths of our being and reach in and
heal those pains, hurts and fulfill our hearts, minds and souls with
His truth.
Come to Him in your brokenness, in your
shame, in your pain, in your anger, in your confusion, in your
contempt, in your depression, in your anxiety, in your sexual
confusion and everything in between. Despite all of that, He loves you and died for you on the cross and wants you to know Him in a personal way. He already knows what you are
thinking, feeling and He knows everything that happened to you. He is
the only one who can make you a brand new creation.
In 2 Corinthians 5:17 it says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he
is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things
have come.”
Only the Lord Jesus Christ can save
your soul, forgive you of your sins and give you eternal life. I
believe the words of Jesus when He said in John 14:6 “I am the way,
and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through
Me.”
Call out to Him today and begin the
same healing process that the Lord has done in me. I'm very thankful
for everything the Lord has done and I continue to seek Him for
physical healing in addition to more emotional healing as well.
If you would like to read more about my
walk with the Lord, then please read some more of my blog posts
below:
Healing the Wounds From the Past
(Original post about the abuse from 2012)
Rejection Leads to Confidence-There is hope!
Knowing God's Love in the Storms
God bless!
Disclaimer: I am not a trained
professional counselor or therapist and am only sharing my testimony
and experience with healing from incest sexual abuse.
