The Times When it Hurts

Some times the only way to 'feel' God's love is by simply remembering what Jesus did for us on the cross. It isn't about a feeling. It isn't about a hope in your heart. Sometimes there really is no other feeling that verifies it, but remembering what the Word says. No comfort. No warmth. I hope that this changes when I'm out of the wilderness, but in this season God has never been "Daddy" to me as some like to call Him. He has in fact been very distant in times when I wanted Him close. And yet I do know He is here. He knows I'm writing this post, but He has chosen not to make Himself known. He has been very quiet in the toughest times when we had no way to pay for our mortgage. He has been very quiet when we were going to lose our car insurance. He has been very quiet when we were going to have our natural gas turned off and electricity turned off.

Then to be told that God has you here and is withholding on purpose, it's hard to understand. It's hard not to get mad at times. It's hard to continue to remember that God is good. Sometimes the lines blur and you don't know who or what you are fighting. It's hard to accept. It's certainly not the prosperity God that the Western church preaches. It's not the "healing is always on" God that the Western church preaches.

The other day I was reading Job and was seeing that God had been distant throughout Job's struggle as well. However we know at the end when God restored everything to Job, that He in fact wasn't distant. He was listening to every single word him and his friends were saying. He was involved but was silent. Imagine though that Job didn't have Jesus Christ as His Lord and savior. The Messiah was yet a promise far off in the future. He didn't have the privilege to know God's love through the sacrifice that Jesus would make for us. His friends words did not help either.

This has been the hardest year of my life. Prior to that, 2013 was the hardest. Prior to that 2012. Prior to that 2011. etc It feels like God is trying to destroy me. It feels like he wants to watch me suffer to the point of absolute destitute. In this season I've been pondering more about what are our needs? Is clothing really a need when you have clothes, even if they are 6 years old and have holes? Is a house a need, maybe a shelter works well enough? Heating? Light bulbs? Trash service? Hot water? Food? Internet? Cable? Phone?

Sometimes God won't always be there cheering you on and embracing you. Sometimes he will choose to step aside and see what you do...

I can look to Jesus' wilderness and even though we don't know what happened during the full 40 days, Jesus, the perfect, sinless, Son of God was likely broken physically, mentally and emotionally to prepare Him. We also know that Apostle Paul had some sort of wilderness for 3 years (read in Galatians 1:11-24), but again we know of no specifics on it. There seemed to be some sort of preparation for him too.

Every day is a battle. Every day is tears. Every day is pain. Every day the sky feels like it's falling.

And yet God gave us promises of life, strength and rest. He said we were examples. He said that we were like the green leaf in drought that did not wither. He said that we were going to be those who build mature Christians. He said that we would be healed. He said that our needs would be met in this season.

I just didn't realize what was going to happen in between, to get to these promises. No one prepared me properly. I was sold a false gospel and told everything would be better after I gave my life to Jesus.

God knew what was to come because He called us here to stand. It doesn't make it any easier though as I write this crying my eyes out.

People say God won't do this. I don't know. One thing I do know now, is there is a very high price to pay to be used of God. Yes there is a cost. Yes there is sacrifice.