Would I Be Happy If...

...Time to just step away from POTS for a moment and to just let my brain flow for a moment...

I was told as a young women to love myself, embrace what we are given, don't be jealous of what one another has yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. Yet all of that is a bunch of nonsense to make ourselves feel better about how we will NEVER match up to what is "expected". Seriously. You don't see women with pear shape figures in lead roles in movies, TV shows or on magazine covers. You don't see many women with small breasts either and if they are small, they are taped, wrapped up or squeezed into corsets to look huge. I know some of you are thinking...Well that isn't our fault. It's the media's fault! I guess it doesn't matter WHO'S fault it is, it's what is expected these days.

The question I've been thinking about for the past few days has been...Would I be happy if I had full, normal sized breasts? Even the girl at Victoria's Secret told me that none of their bras fit right because I have zero chest fat. In her words, "you have nothing to push-up". This girl likely sees hundreds of women a week and I was one of the first for her with this problem. Considering that, sadly, I think I would be happier. Does that make me a pathetic person controlled by the media? Nope, I just want to fill-out a bra for once in my lifetime and not be self-conscious about it.

Okay enough of that. I'm just really frustrated with myself lately. Where's a punching bag when you need it?

/sigh

Uh What is this about?

I remember I posted some weeks back saying that I was the thinnest I had been for a long time. It was a nice! Well... in the past 2 weeks, I've gained so much weight that I am now the heaviest I've been for a long time. How the HELL does this happen to me? I feel like a balloon ready to pop and I suspect it's from the beta-blocker. I am holding onto so much water it's not even funny. I know this weight is not fat because my face and eyes are also very puffy and I haven't changed anything in my diet.

Seriously like 3 weeks ago I was thinking that I'd take myself to the store to buy new smaller jeans and now I'm thinking I'll have to go up a size. How does one gain like 11 pounds in 2 weeks?

I'm soo depressed because of this. My pants look terrible on me. I had a pair of skinny jeans I wore fairly often (and liked how I looked in them) and now they look terrible. AHHHHHH. I hate this!

MRI didn't go so well

I had the MRI today ordered by the ophthalmologist to rule out any sort of problems with the eyes or brain.

For part of the MRI I had to keep my eyes closed. This was OK for about 10 minutes, but then I started to get really disoriented and it felt like my body was floating on water. I tried to calm myself down, but I was well beyond that and felt the adrenal symptoms coming on. My eyelids started fluttering, I started to feel very faint and I just felt that last rush as my body tried to pull me through the stress of it. I realized at that moment, that if I didn't squeeze the ball and alert the techs, that I'd be unconscious in about a minute.

I squeezed the ball, but could barely talk. They ran in and I told them in broken speech that I needed my hydrocortisone for adrenal insufficiency. The lady asked me if I had them in my purse and I told her yes. She ran out and got my purse. They sat me up and I was very very faint. It felt like my blood pressure was scary low and the whole room was sooo bright. They walked me out of the MRI room into the tech area and they were asking me questions, but I could barely understand them nor get the words out. I ended up taking 15mg of HC and waited 3-4 minutes before I could feel my body come back to life. My hands were trembling as I drink water.

I went back in and finished the MRI. Phew...The whole time I was just like..please do not freak out again. I need to get this done. Please...please.

All of this happened before the contrast so it had nothing to do with that. Thankfully. I'm doing okay now, but could not believe how much that affected me!

Chilblains: From the beta blocker or B12?

Remember those weird itchy, but painful bumps on my toes? Well now I know what they are and it's either a complication from the beta-blocker or from low B12.

These little bumps are called chilblains and they occur when you are having poor circulation or if you warm the feet too quickly. Here's a link to a medical website that talks about them in more depth.

I started taking the beta-blockers about a week before these bumps showed up. At first they were very very itchy, but as long as I kept them covered it wasn't so bad. Then I noticed anytime my feet got warm, they'd burn like hell. Not long after this, my left leg started to feel numb like it feels when my B12 is low. I even made a post about the paresthesia returning.

I'm trying to put the pieces together. Maybe the "paresthesia" is from the beta-blocker and the poor circulation is then causing the chilblains too? I looked all of this up and it is possible according to this website.

"Some drugs such as beta- blockers may affect the circulation and cause chilblains"

Darn it. I might have to call the doctor and see what he has to say about it. The beta-blocker is helping so much I'd hate to have to quit it...

My Blood Pressure

As always my BP is low without florinef, but for whatever reason it's not any worse when on the beta blockers. I'm not complaining.

Tonight I thought I'd take my BP while sitting. Then take it immediately upon standing to see what happens. Normally my heart rate would go through the roof and my BP would fall even further.

Here's what it showed tonight.

Sitting: 92/66 HR 76
Standing: 95/68 HR 70

70....70 while STANDING! I don't care WHY, but these beta blockers have been amazing. I have an appointment with my EP on March 12th.

I think it might be impacting my thyroid slightly though as my basal temperatures have been really really low. Ugh...It's actually confused the LadyComp, which is what I use as my method of birth control. It's day 20 and it doesn't think I've ovulated yet... My temps aren't indicating that I have either, so I'm not sure what's up with that. Lately my cycles have just been odd. I used to get mid cycle pain, but that's gone now. Then my cycles used to be 24 days, but the past 2-3 months they were 29, 30 and 32. However, last month my cycle was only 26 days long. I don't get it at all.