Saturday, July 14, 2012

The Emotional Swings Can Be Hard

I don't normally write blog posts about my emotions, but today I wanted to explain the mood swings I get at times. I have been so agitated, pissed off, quick to anger. It is scary because when I'm like this, I tend to do really stupid, impulsive things. Days like today is when I'd delete my blog, facebook page or delete every cover video I've made on Youtube. It's scary. I also purposely try to offend people and say things that will make people mad at me. I actually feed off of the negative energy. That filter we all have on our brains, it sometimes stops working for me and it's exceedingly difficult to get it to turn back on.

I used to live my life like this all the time for many years, but didn't even realize it. I thought this was normal and people were just a lot more controlled than me, but nope that's not the case at all. Normal people do not feel this way at all. Over the past year I noticed things were settling down more and I have felt the most at peace with myself. However for the past 3 days, I have been over the top, agitated and I do not know why.

I thought perhaps it was because of all the activity I had done while visiting my parents on vacation. My family rents a cabin at a state park and you are allowed to collect any fallen trees for firewood. You are only allowed to use bow saws and axes, so this means a lot of physical labor...With POTS this can be bad, but I love collecting firewood so much, I push through it. Most people absolutely despise gathering wood, but it is something I have always enjoyed even when I was too small to move the saw through the tree. haha! With my Dad's health declining more and more each year, I wanted to help him out with the firewood while I was there. I did not want him hurting himself and I know he enjoys fires, so I pushed myself beyond my limits. My heart rates were 180 at times and were a steady 160+ while I was cutting wood. I felt very jittery, was talking really fast (or so said my cousins) and was generally on the go. I slept for 6 hours or so and then was back out at 8AM the next day, cutting more wood. hahah

After I came home, I was exhausted and I feel ok now, but the agitation started immediately after coming home. This same emotional swing happened to me after I went with my mom to take my brother to his REU program in Syracuse, NY. It was like all of that activity aggravated something in my body and emotionally I was a wreck. Instead of agitation, I was crying and depressed for 3 days. I'm not sure which one is better...

Whenever I get like this, I have to stay away from people. I have to stay away from forums, facebook and not try to do anything where I need to interact with people. Singing helps. Listening to music helps too. Avoiding any activities that might piss me off is also important because any one thing can set me off.

Writing this I know I sound like a crazy person and that's mostly why I usually keep things like this to myself!

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