Monday, March 2, 2009

Weight Gain: I can't take it

In the past few months, I've been dealing with some weight gain. It is very strange though. I go through cycles where I lose a ton of weight for no reason. Then the cycle switches and every little thing I eat goes right to my butt and hips. Meanwhile my upper body looks emaciated and sickly with my ribs jutting out in my back. My body is very fat and puffing, even though I'm thin. There is a lot of fat where muscle used to be. I don't know what has caused this to happen, but my toned legs have become soft. My stomach used to be very toned is soft too.

My arms have nothing left on them and anytime I get my blood pressure taken or blood work done, that's what everyone talks about. "You sure do have small arms". Thanks jackass! I wasn't already self-conscious about it.

It's this cycle that gets me in trouble because I haven't been able to figure it out. My thyroid antibodies were normal and nothing in my diet changes. There is no reason for these cycles to occur, but they do. I have to keep several pants sizes in my house just so I have clothes for each cycle. Weird...I know. The pants I buy to replace the ones I have on, will probably only last me a few weeks. Then I'll have to buy new bigger ones. That's how it's been these past few months. As soon as I wear in the pants, I need new ones because I wake up one day and they no longer fit.

I've gone from wearing a size 1/2 comfortably to being unable to wear my new size 5/6 jeans. I'm going to have to go up to a size 7/8. I haven't been this size for at least 5 years and it is making it very nervous. Eight years ago I suffered from anorexia and almost killed myself from it. I abused Stacker 3's and probably should have died a few times, but somehow I made it through all of that hell. There were some nights, where I didn't think I'd wake up. I'd write goodbye letters to all of my friends.

I went from 142# down to 105# in a few weeks time and kept it there for months. For the first time in my life though, I actually enjoyed clothes shopping. I actually enjoyed going to the beach. I actually enjoyed wearing a pair of shorts. It was absolutely amazing. Too bad though I was dying inside.

I went to the doctor and got "help", which consisted of pills. I had to deal with my psychological problems myself because I didn't want any of this on my record. I was "cured", but it took a lot of time and discipline. My family did not support me through this whatsoever. Thank God, I went off of the pills and didn't suffer from any withdrawal symptoms.

About 2 years ago, I decided I wanted to start eating healthier. We ditched all of the packaged crap in our house and really get back to eating real, whole foods. I went from 125 to 117 in a few weeks time and felt fantastic. I was thinner than when I was anorexic and I did all of this eating 3 meals a day. I was so happy for myself and knew this was the size I was meant to be.

Now I am only 122#, but nothing is fitting me. I have no idea what is going on. I only gained about 5 pounds from when I was wearing a size 2, but apparently these pounds are all in my lower body. Part of me thinks it has to do with my pituitary, but I have no idea.

Unfortunately I just wait and see what happens. Will a new weight loss cycle kick in soon? Or will I continue to put on weight?

Having nearly undetectable TSH (with low frees) might have something to do with it...

3 comments:

Shelley said...

I know exactly what you mean, I can totally sympathize with you. I ride a bike on a trainer 5-6 days a week hard as I can for at least 45 mins and I do ashtanga yoga 5-6 days a week. I have flabby watery fat on my legs and butt and now on my upper arms, and its been alot worse now since I did an ill advised DMPS urine challenge. I took myself off all sugar, coffee, alcohol and grains etc, and eat a paleo diet, but still nothing, in the last week it has been worse but feels like fluid retention. a couple of years back I was about 105 and lean and muscular, now I cant even look at candy and put on weight. like you I am scared and concerned and feel my mind wanting to starve me in order to kick start some weight loss. I really know what youre talking about.

Shelley said...

I know exactly what you mean, I can totally sympathize with you. I ride a bike on a trainer 5-6 days a week hard as I can for at least 45 mins and I do ashtanga yoga 5-6 days a week. I have flabby watery fat on my legs and butt and now on my upper arms, and its been alot worse now since I did an ill advised DMPS urine challenge. I took myself off all sugar, coffee, alcohol and grains etc, and eat a paleo diet, but still nothing, in the last week it has been worse but feels like fluid retention. a couple of years back I was about 105 and lean and muscular, now I cant even look at candy and put on weight. like you I am scared and concerned and feel my mind wanting to starve me in order to kick start some weight loss. I really know what youre talking about.

Birdlady said...

If I took myself off of coffee I wouldn't be able to stay awake. haha! Recently I have been living on coffee, which isn't helping. I'm sure!

The worst feeling in the world is putting on a pair of pants that used to be comfortably loose that are so tight they hurt! Just to keep myself sane, I'm going to buy bigger pants--which won't be easy to do. But that is better for me because then I won't feel so disgusting in public. It's worse to stuff yourself in jeans with love handles hanging over the sides than to just buy pants that fit. I need to get that through my head!

Starving is very bad. It actually makes your pituitary work harder. Just type into google anorexia pituitary and you'll find medical journals that talk about it. That's another possibility why my pituitary isn't working right.

Some of these studies suggest that those who have eating disorders actually have a pituitary disorder. I lost my period for almost a year during this time in my life and couldn't understand why it took so long to get back even after I had started eating and was up to good weight. I never told anyone this happened to me!

I guess it comes down to which came first, the chicken or the egg? LOL