First time for everything

Today was pretty hot as I complained about earlier. Tonight as I was making dinner, I noticed that I was feeling really nauseous. It really just came out of nowhere.

Dinner was ready and I started eating. By the time I was finished, it felt like a pile of concrete was in my stomach. All I had was 2 chicken wings and a salad...

I was getting this fullness near my breastbone and I started to get the chills. The waves of nausea were getting more frequent and even more uncomfortable than the last. Out of desperation, I decided to sublingual a 5mg HC tab to see what would happen. I was not late on my doses and I didn't particularly do anything strenuous to need a "stress dose". However within 5 minutes, I knew that the HC was helping. I sublingual-ed another 5mg because I figured if I was that far down the low cortisol chain, I wasn't far off from my BP dropping and it heading into something much more dangerous.

Today I can say was the first time that I've experienced nausea to that extent from low cortisol. The sad thing is that I have no idea what triggered it. Within 20 minutes of taking the extra HC, I was up and about doing my normal nonsense. There's no way it was placebo as I had my head in a bucket getting ready to barf. It sort of freaked me out because I showed no other signs of low cortisol! I ended up taking 32.5mg of HC today.

Heat Intolerance : I'm screwed!

I was really hoping that the beta blocker would help with the heat intolerance, but I'm not that lucky. I figured this would happen, so I started taking 1/4 tab of florinef 4 days ago. I haven't noticed any differences yet, but I'm not looking forward to the weight gain THAT med will cause me. Ugh...I've gained like 10 pounds just in time for summer. It's not supposed to be like that.

I was going to lay out today because it's 80 here, but I can't. There's no way my heart can handle it at all. I didn't have my watch on me, but I bet I was hitting 150 BPM.

Some days I just want to start throwing stuff, punching holes in walls and screaming at the top of my lungs. As you can guess, today is one of those days.

Would I Be Happy If...

...Time to just step away from POTS for a moment and to just let my brain flow for a moment...

I was told as a young women to love myself, embrace what we are given, don't be jealous of what one another has yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. Yet all of that is a bunch of nonsense to make ourselves feel better about how we will NEVER match up to what is "expected". Seriously. You don't see women with pear shape figures in lead roles in movies, TV shows or on magazine covers. You don't see many women with small breasts either and if they are small, they are taped, wrapped up or squeezed into corsets to look huge. I know some of you are thinking...Well that isn't our fault. It's the media's fault! I guess it doesn't matter WHO'S fault it is, it's what is expected these days.

The question I've been thinking about for the past few days has been...Would I be happy if I had full, normal sized breasts? Even the girl at Victoria's Secret told me that none of their bras fit right because I have zero chest fat. In her words, "you have nothing to push-up". This girl likely sees hundreds of women a week and I was one of the first for her with this problem. Considering that, sadly, I think I would be happier. Does that make me a pathetic person controlled by the media? Nope, I just want to fill-out a bra for once in my lifetime and not be self-conscious about it.

Okay enough of that. I'm just really frustrated with myself lately. Where's a punching bag when you need it?

/sigh

Uh What is this about?

I remember I posted some weeks back saying that I was the thinnest I had been for a long time. It was a nice! Well... in the past 2 weeks, I've gained so much weight that I am now the heaviest I've been for a long time. How the HELL does this happen to me? I feel like a balloon ready to pop and I suspect it's from the beta-blocker. I am holding onto so much water it's not even funny. I know this weight is not fat because my face and eyes are also very puffy and I haven't changed anything in my diet.

Seriously like 3 weeks ago I was thinking that I'd take myself to the store to buy new smaller jeans and now I'm thinking I'll have to go up a size. How does one gain like 11 pounds in 2 weeks?

I'm soo depressed because of this. My pants look terrible on me. I had a pair of skinny jeans I wore fairly often (and liked how I looked in them) and now they look terrible. AHHHHHH. I hate this!

MRI didn't go so well

I had the MRI today ordered by the ophthalmologist to rule out any sort of problems with the eyes or brain.

For part of the MRI I had to keep my eyes closed. This was OK for about 10 minutes, but then I started to get really disoriented and it felt like my body was floating on water. I tried to calm myself down, but I was well beyond that and felt the adrenal symptoms coming on. My eyelids started fluttering, I started to feel very faint and I just felt that last rush as my body tried to pull me through the stress of it. I realized at that moment, that if I didn't squeeze the ball and alert the techs, that I'd be unconscious in about a minute.

I squeezed the ball, but could barely talk. They ran in and I told them in broken speech that I needed my hydrocortisone for adrenal insufficiency. The lady asked me if I had them in my purse and I told her yes. She ran out and got my purse. They sat me up and I was very very faint. It felt like my blood pressure was scary low and the whole room was sooo bright. They walked me out of the MRI room into the tech area and they were asking me questions, but I could barely understand them nor get the words out. I ended up taking 15mg of HC and waited 3-4 minutes before I could feel my body come back to life. My hands were trembling as I drink water.

I went back in and finished the MRI. Phew...The whole time I was just like..please do not freak out again. I need to get this done. Please...please.

All of this happened before the contrast so it had nothing to do with that. Thankfully. I'm doing okay now, but could not believe how much that affected me!

Chilblains: From the beta blocker or B12?

Remember those weird itchy, but painful bumps on my toes? Well now I know what they are and it's either a complication from the beta-blocker or from low B12.

These little bumps are called chilblains and they occur when you are having poor circulation or if you warm the feet too quickly. Here's a link to a medical website that talks about them in more depth.

I started taking the beta-blockers about a week before these bumps showed up. At first they were very very itchy, but as long as I kept them covered it wasn't so bad. Then I noticed anytime my feet got warm, they'd burn like hell. Not long after this, my left leg started to feel numb like it feels when my B12 is low. I even made a post about the paresthesia returning.

I'm trying to put the pieces together. Maybe the "paresthesia" is from the beta-blocker and the poor circulation is then causing the chilblains too? I looked all of this up and it is possible according to this website.

"Some drugs such as beta- blockers may affect the circulation and cause chilblains"

Darn it. I might have to call the doctor and see what he has to say about it. The beta-blocker is helping so much I'd hate to have to quit it...

My Blood Pressure

As always my BP is low without florinef, but for whatever reason it's not any worse when on the beta blockers. I'm not complaining.

Tonight I thought I'd take my BP while sitting. Then take it immediately upon standing to see what happens. Normally my heart rate would go through the roof and my BP would fall even further.

Here's what it showed tonight.

Sitting: 92/66 HR 76
Standing: 95/68 HR 70

70....70 while STANDING! I don't care WHY, but these beta blockers have been amazing. I have an appointment with my EP on March 12th.

I think it might be impacting my thyroid slightly though as my basal temperatures have been really really low. Ugh...It's actually confused the LadyComp, which is what I use as my method of birth control. It's day 20 and it doesn't think I've ovulated yet... My temps aren't indicating that I have either, so I'm not sure what's up with that. Lately my cycles have just been odd. I used to get mid cycle pain, but that's gone now. Then my cycles used to be 24 days, but the past 2-3 months they were 29, 30 and 32. However, last month my cycle was only 26 days long. I don't get it at all.

Beta-Blocker Is Still Working

It's been a few weeks and I am still feeling very well on the beta-blocker. I take the generic form of Toprol XL called Metoprolol ER. It's a very small dose at 25mg. Going on them has been incredible for me and I will continue to take them as needed. The past week, I decided to start taking them every day as soon as I wake up and I haven't noticed any ill effects. Some days they do seem to make me feel a little tired, but it's not that bad. Certainly no where near the fatigue I felt prior to going on HC! haha

This week I need to clear the area out around my recumbent bike and I'm going to start working out again in small increments. I'm not really looking to lose weight or anything. I just want to get off of my butt and feel normal. I'll start out with 3 minutes (no joke) and then work up to 1o minutes. I won't go much more than that because I don't think I'm in good enough shape to be biking for 30 minutes or more. My adrenals are doing okay with the HC, but I don't want to push it since I'm not on florinef at the moment. I know I need it, but I can't start it yet.

Bumps on Foot, Getting Worse

Darn it. Why can't things just get better on their own? /sigh The bumps on my foot are getting worse. Very painful and making it difficult to walk. The original bumps have subsided, but the skin is still very shiny and red where they used to be. Now there are more bumps spreading on the surrounding toes, but these ones are way more painful than the original bumps.

I'll probably have to call the dermatologist on Monday and make an appointment. I'll let everyone what they are when I find out.

Leg Numbness and Tingling: Paresthesia is back

Ugh I hate this feeling! Let's hope that it's just low B12 because I can fix that (as soon as I get this STUPID Nutreval test done). Let's hope it's NOT the beta-blocker...! It's been awhile since this has happened because I take B12 sublinguals and I also get injections anytime I feel this coming on. Well since I was supposed to get the Nutreval test done, I stopped all vitamins and now it's coming to bite me in the butt. Just sitting at my computer desk, from the top of my knee cap all the way up to my hip is going numb, tingling. If I cross my legs or sit in one spot too long, my entire leg gets pins and needles. At night I am waking up constantly because my legs and hips are falling asleep. Oh my, I can't take this! I got to get this test done now before I go nuts.

Once the test is done, I have injectable B12 here at my house! I'll be injecting myself to save some $$ and if that helps I'm going to beg the doctor for a prescription. My mom said that her grandparents BOTH had pernicious anemia and had to get injections...Great. I wonder if that's why mine is always low and why I always have to keep taking a combo of sublinguals and injections to keep the numbness away. Maybe it's not just a dietary issue, but an absorption issue.

At the Eye Doctors...

It was an interesting visit with the more experienced ophthalmologist. First he said that I do not have a posterior vitreous detachment...Um....Okay wow? So I had 2 other doctors in that same practice tell me I did and then this guy says, nope.

He was quite concerned about the blobs, lines and "stuck" lights in my vision and has asked my PCP to order an MRI. He said that there is nothing wrong with my eyes and the White Without Pressure is absolutely nothing to worry about. He thinks the lights are neurological so I'll do it just so I can cross that off the list.

I was sort of ticked off yesterday after hearing all of this because what the HELL have I been doing for the past 8 months? I've gone into that eye doctor numerous times, examined at least 4-5 times by 3 different doctors and they all said I had a PVD? Perhaps those other doctors need to be retrained.

The good news is that, IF there is no structural damage done to the eye, then maybe I can solve the weird lights. Perhaps it's nerve damage from a mineral deficiency after all?

I got some old labs from Dr. G yesterday as well. I'm going to have my parathyroid checked as I had a few calcium levels above 10.0 with a low vitamin D level. I also am looking to have Intrinsic Factor antibodies and Parietal antibodies checked to screen for Pernicious anemia. My first B12 reading was 249! An interesting thing is that my FT3 before cortisol treatment at that time was 320 (230-420) which isn't all that bad.

Ugh Sinus Infection? Mild Flu?

My husband had some flu-like sinus bug for a few days and I thought I was lucky and completely dodged it. Well yesterday I woke up and my sinuses were clogged, throat was hurting from all the drainage and I just felt really out of it. DARN! I was really hoping that I'd missed this one. I don't feel achy or anything like that. Just clogged up, no taste, no smell and my ears are popping when I yawn. I took some extra HC and I think I'll be stress dosing slightly until I feel better. I did a lot of shoveling the night before I got sick. Maybe that's not a coincidence?

It could be a lot worse, but maybe it hasn't completely hit me yet...hahah

I forgot to mention...

...that I went to the eye doc last week some time. I got really sick of this light being stuck in my vision. The one lasted nearly 4 days. I finally found someone online that has this exact same thing as me, but sadly this thread was from 2007 and no one found anything wrong with his eyes. These lights only started AFTER I was diagnosed with the posterior vitreous detachment, so one would think there's a connection.

I saw the retina specialist I had seen originally who diagnosed the White Without Pressure and an impending vitreous detachment. This time he told me that the White Without Pressure looks really odd and it's not something he's ever seen before...Um. thanks? haha Now he wants me to see one of the more experienced retina specialists who has "25 years more experience than me". He said that since he's never seen this before, that he wanted someone else to take a look to see what we should do. He said that if this other doctor thinks it's necessary, then they may want to do pre-emptive laser surgery on it. I'm not exactly sure what is weird about it. He just said that it looks really odd, shiny, and very iridescent? These are the best, most recommended ophthalmologists in this area, so if he hasn't seen something then this definitely needs checked out. This doctor probably sees at least hundreds of eyes every week! He said that once he hears from the other doctor, then in 25 years when another case of whatever I have comes through the door, he'll know what to do...wtf? No one really has this? haha

The doc said that the lights I'm seeing may not be related to the White Without Pressure, but since I'm having some problems it's all the more reason to be seen. My appointment is February 15th.

Too Much Snow

We got A LOT of snow. It looks like up to 2 feet is outside right now and I have NO IDEA how we are going to shovel it all. Last time I tried to shovel snow, my heart rate nearly hit 200, I began to shake and I thought I was going to vomit and collapse. It took me nearly an hour to recover and that was only 10 inches of snow!

I took my beta blocker already, so that when I go out it should be working. I'm going to stress dose for this too with the HC and see what happens. I do not recommend anyone do what I'm doing... I'm just absolutely nuts/insane and don't want to see my husband do all the work. We both have "heart problems" now and I hate to see him get stuck with this.

Update: Shoveling went really really well. My heart was definitely up there, but I did not feel so fatigued,short of breath and faint. We still have another round or 2 to go, but I'll be okay. I did better than my husband...It HAS to be the beta-blocker. There is nothing else that is different and HC has never helped my heart problems.

Here are my blood pressures Sitting. 105/73 HR 89 Standing 117/69 HR 92 What a difference!

How'd that happen?

I noticed my pants were feeling kind of loose, so I jumped on the scale today. I've lost like 10 pounds in approximately 2 weeks or less. Holy cow...This is not good though as it is a sign that I'm ready to crash or something. Maybe it's my adrenals? Maybe it's all the emotional stress I've been under? I haven't weighed this "little" since before hormone replacement.

I guess I'll just enjoy it while it lasts because I know it will all be back sooner than later. My appetite has been pretty awful lately, so I bet it's that. I'd love to stay at this weight, but it's not going to happen and technically I'm underweight too...

Weird Bumps On My Foot

Yesterday morning I woke up with 2 really weird looking shiny, red bumps on my left foot. Now there must be a connection to what happened the night prior. I was getting dinner ready when suddenly I had a huge hive form on my lip. It was so big that it was actually difficult to talk and eat without hitting it! I thought it was really odd, but went to sleep and then woke up to the bumps on my foot...LOL

We will see what happens here. They are not itchy at all, but I guess slightly painful and they look really really shiny. If they dont' go away within a week I'll be calling that dermatologist I saw a few years back for my hair. She sucked, but at least she knows her stuff and can give me a proper diagnosis. I'm hoping it's just a fungus or something stupid that will go away with some cream.

My Sickness/Life Timeline...

This is a little timeline of how things progressed with me personally and my poor health. There are a lot of correlations with what was happening to me personally and with my health deteriorating.

I'm starting as far back as 4th grade because I already started to show signs that something wasn't quite right.


4th grade--Anxiety. Terrible anxiety. I would go to the guidance counselor every morning and cry. I still (to this day) have NO idea what I was scared of. I told the lady that I was always so stressed out feeling and that if I had any homework due that day, I was nervous I didn't do it right. I also had a male teacher and my counselor thought maybe that was my problem, but I never thought so...

5th grade--Completely fine. No anxiety about school except in math! haha

6th grade--Anxiety again. My grandmother died during the school year and I had a lot of trouble grieving. I would just bust out in tears during the middle of class if she gave us a hard homework assignment. I could not handle any type of stress whatsoever. This is also the year your body starts to change and I was not developing like the other girls in school. I had zero breasts and did not even need a bra, but I bought them anyway...


7th grade--This was an interesting year. I started to make new friends as all the schools come together in this grade. I ate very poorly during lunch (1 choco crunch ice cream bar every day) and I gained A TON of weight. At my heaviest I was about 150 and a size 10-12. Prior to this I was always VERY skinny and could eat anything I really wanted without worrying about the waist/butt growing. Not anymore after this year. I started working out with Taebo and I lost about 15 pounds! I looked good too.

I believe I got my cycle this year, but I cannot remember...lol It was either 7th or 8th grade.

8th grade--Nothing notable here.

9th grade--I really started to become a woman finally. Dang I was a late bloomer I think or something. This was the first time when I finally was attracted to the opposite sex. It's odd because other girls in 6th grade had C cup breasts, having sex and were WAY more developed than me 3 years later....

I got contacts this year and no longer had ugly, hideous glasses I was hiding behind. I hate those things! Why do parents give their children ugly glasses?

10th grade--I started to date people very casually. My first BF broke my heart and dumped me after 2 weeks. (haha) Then I started dating his friend a few months later and we were together for a little while, but nothing of substance ever came out of it (we were what 15? lol). I remember struggling with my weight in this grade a little more, but I was a lot better choosing foods rather than buying an ice cream sandwich every day.

The summer going into 11th grade is when I decided to join marching band. I had to go to band camp for 2 weeks. I almost died every single day there. Seriously. No exaggeration at all. I felt so ill and would almost faint every damn day because it was SOO hot. The only thing that kept me going was carrying a water bottle on my shoulder and I would sip on it all day long. I brought a HUGE water cooler (yes a cooler) and then filled my water bottle up from that. I had to drink ICE cold water or I didn't want it. The water from the fountains was not cold enough... haha

11th grade--This is where my life starts to take a bad turn. Lots of TERRIBLE things happened to me this year. I had multiple people take advantage of me or treat me like dirt while dating them. The anorexia and ephedra abuse started after one of these events and it was my way of trying to gain control of my life. I know it. One boyfriend was very controlling who only ever wanted me to give him head/hand jobs. I was just a piece of meat to this jerk. When I tried to finally break up with him, he told me he was going to kill himself. /sigh That was really stressful and he made my life a living hell for a long time.

As this was going on, a person very close, whom I trusted took advantage of me in the worst way, which was more than I could handle. I would have rather dealt with the controlling, crazy, insane boyfriend.

I also started to go "goth", but not really. I wore regular clothes, but just wore a bunch of chains around my neck and dyed the front part of my hair blonde (like Rogue from Xmen). I think this was my way of telling people to leave me the hell alone. I also did this so that if someone actually wanted to date me, they'd have to accept me for me (with chains). haha


Most of 11th grade was me trying to deal with the severe lightheadedness I experienced on a daily basis. Walking to class was a chore. I'd feel like I was going to fall down all the time, but once I was sitting, I would always recover. I think I took the ephedra because it actually made me feel better since it raises blood pressure. There were a few nights I thought I was going to die from the intense headaches it gave me on occasion. They were so bad I would bang my head on the wall...

Eventually my periods went AWOL. I went into premature menopause from not eating. I did not get them back until my senior year and I cannot even fully remember when that happened. My friends thought I was pregnant as I was drinking and peeing so much. Nope..not pregnant. I was just really freaking messed up.

In June, I had to go to prom with one of my ex's because we had planned to go together while we were still dating. I was in very poor shape and had lost A LOT of weight (from not eating). It took all my energy to make it through that night and through the after prom (which I should have skipped).

Then one day I woke up and decided I no longer wanted to wear the chains. I dyed my hair very dark red and started to dress nice. I bought nicer jeans and shirts.

I think it was the summer into my 12th grade year that I nearly died at an amusement park. I seriously CANNOT remember if it was going into my senior year or if it was the summer after I graduated... At this amusement park, I fell down and blacked out. My entire body turned blue and I could not hear or see anything. I was looking at myself, looking at myself. I can still picture my face plastered against the storm drain on the asphalt.

We went to the first aid station and my BP was 60/40 and I was so very ill. The lady there said that I must be really dehydrated and to take it easy. I took like a 4 hour nap and did not even realize I had slept at all. Even after all that rest, I continued to faint over and over again and I called my parents to come get me. I was VERY thin then. I think I was fitting into a size 2 very easily.

12th grade (Senior Year)--I remember coming back to school and everyone was amazed by how much weight I had lost. Damn! I started to get A LOT of attention from guys, but I really wasn't that interested. I did not date many people during high school. More weird stuff happened to me though which seems to be inevitable these days. I had someone take advantage of me while I had been drinking a little bit too much vodka, which is why I now hate to drink at parties or in restaurants etc. I don't like to feel out of control.

No one wanted to take me to homecoming or prom. Sad huh? I made a shirt that said, "I need a homecoming date" , but had no takers. How pathetic! I begged someone I met at a Sevendust concert to come to my homecoming and he did. I never went to my prom because you weren't allowed to go solo! /sigh I was not ugly either, so I'm not sure why no one wanted to take me. I don't think I have any pictures uploaded on my computer of myself when I was in high school or I'd put one up here. I looked damn good for homecoming...haha

My health was NOT good. I was still going through periods where I'd eat and then not eat. This was really hard on my body and anytime it would get food, I'd put on so much weight it was not funny.

I hated myself so much during this year and would have break downs in the bathroom on a regular basis. Anytime I had any stress, I'd just collapse.

I did go on to win 1st place in the school's literature magazine for a poem I written. I was doing A LOT of writing during these past few years as I was struggling to understand why certain things happened to me in my life. Some of those poems are dark as hell and would make for absolutely amazing songs. Some day that will happen.

I finished school with a 3.8 GPA. I always did really well in school even with all these health problems.

After high school--My parents forced me to go to college, so I decided to just go to community college. I did not even try to get into any large colleges as I did not want to go. I did not fill out a SINGLE college app...haha

I started meeting new people from school/work and continued to date and get into more serious relationships. I always dated older guys, somehow thinking they were more mature...LOL Some of them were good, some of them were just flat-out stupid and some of them were bad, bad, bad. haha

I also started to work full time at a cell phone company. It was out of my comfort zone yet I really wanted to try it out. Even though my boss was a jerk, it was one of the best things I ever did. I didn't think I could succeed at it, but I absolutely kicked butt at selling phones. I was top in sales almost every month. I was making quite a bit of money considering I was single and still living at home. After stupid relationship, after stupid relationship, I met my to-be husband. All that dating finally worked as I met the man I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life! That is what I was looking for all along and I think that scared most of the men I dated away.

We got married very quickly.

My health started to get much worse. I could no longer work because standing up for long periods of time was next to impossible. Retail jobs were killing me and I quit working.

A few months after quitting work, my sister found out she had a malignant brain tumor and I went into a dark depression for months. I did not want to eat, talk or even leave the house. Only after she was given a good prognosis, did I come out of my shell. This had such a huge affect on me as I thought I was going to lose my sister. My sister and I had been through A LOT because we shared a room our entire lives from age 6 until I moved out when I got married at 19.

I believe that brings us to speed to where this blog started and it should give everyone a better understanding of how things progressed with my health. I've been sick for A LONG TIME. This is not something new which is why I think I have something seriously wrong with me. I am not old (25) and for someone to be sick as young as me, there has to be an explanation for all of this. I just haven't been able to figure it out just yet. One day..One day..

Beta-Blockers, Norepinephrine and POTS

The EP I saw for POTS (Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) gave me a prescription for Metoprolol ER 25mg tabs. I haven't been taking them because I was a little afraid to. Well one day I just about had it and decided to try it.

It took about 30-45 minutes for it to kick in, but when it did I felt so much calmer. My heart chilled out and I could actually function. I was good for the next few days and didn't bother taking the beta-blocker.

There was another day where I took it and once again, it not only makes my heart feel better, but I feel much more relaxed overall.

Today I knew almost as soon as I woke up, it was going to be a bad "POTS" day. I took the beta blocker and once again, I feel sooooo much calmer. My husband asked me if I feel any different when I take it and I told him ABSOLUTELY. It not only calms my heart way down, but I just have a better generalized feeling about life. It's odd! Then he told me that beta-blockers block norepinephrine, which may be what is causing BOTH my POTS and the anxiety. HOLY COW! Maybe he is right.

My first google search leads me to a musician website where people take beta-blockers before performances, solo recitals, concerts etc. I've always been unable to handle stress NO MATTER WHAT dose of HC I've been on. When I used to play 1st and 2nd trumpet in the high school ensemble and jazz ensemble, I was always a wreck before performances especially when I had solos or a very difficult part to play! I still suffer from a lot of the symptoms most would call "low cortisol" symptoms, such as being startled easily, nausea, loss of appetite, tremors and a general "on the edge" feeling anytime I need to do something out of my comfort zone.

Maybe I have very high plasma levels of norepinephrine running through my body causing both this anxiety and the tachycardia upon standing. Hyperadrenergic one of the known causes of POTS, so this isn't too far off.

I'll need to do a bit more research into this, but I think it's rather interesting! Another thing I've noticed while on the beta-blocker is that I do not feel faint when I stand up even though my blood pressure has been dreadfully low lately. I have no idea why, but it is a rather interesting observation.

Maybe, just maybe there is hope?

I'm Disgusted

I'm just so disgusted with myself lately. The past 8 months? or so has been the worst roller coaster ride ever and I want off. I'm so sick of feeling like 265 different emotions every single day with no hope that this will ever end!

I have no friends, so this doesn't help and this is just too much for my husband to handle now. Who do I talk to? How do I communicate when I'm unable to?

I feel trapped and I have no idea how I'm going to make things better.

Started the cytomel (T3)

Yesterday I started the cytomel. My doctor said to take 5mcg, twice daily. /sigh I'm wondering if this is too much for it at all once. I might try taking just 5mcg tomorrow to see how I feel. It has definitely improved my mood, but I feel a bit out of sorts. My temps are perfect at 98.6, but my heart seems aggravated. Sadly I just can't use that as a reference though since my heart is normally quite pissed off to say it nicely. haha

Today though my heart seemed real bad. I was just walking around my house and it clocked in at 158. Then I actually wanted to get some stuff done around the house and it was 173. Basically for the rest of the day I've been sitting on my butt. I'm not proud of that, but it's the only thing that calms my heart. Right now my heart rate is 90, but if I stand up to do anything it will shoot up through the roof.

Even with my heart as insane as it is, I got our Christmas tree down. I'm not usually the type to rush in taking the decorations down. In fact, I think last year we kept our tree up well into January. So what made me take it down early? Our newest addition to the household, Vegas our 8 month old kitten! hahah Yesterday and today he finally managed to knock the tree completely over and it just looked like hell. Rather than fix it, we both decided it was just time to pack it up. Taking the tree down was quite hellish for me, but I survived!

One thing I want to note for future reference...lol Today my husband seems the most depressed I've seen for some time. I can tell when he's hiding it, but today he cannot even hide it. He's been spending a lot of time to himself just staring. /sadface I hope all is well with him.